“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” — 2 Timothy 3:16-17
When something is address to us or directly impacts us, we typically give it our attention. We read through mail and emails addressed to us from people we know, whereas we are likely to trash that which is mass-marketed. This past week, we’ve closely followed weather predictions in our immediate area but probably are not aware of weather conditions in other areas. There is so much information to be processed that we often have to prioritize what we focus our attention on.
2 Timothy begins with an address, “Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, in keeping with the promise of life that is in Christ Jesus, to Timothy, my dear son” (2 Tim. 1:1-2a). At first glance, it may appear like we are not the ones being addressed and therefore we do not need to prioritize the message that follows. As Christians though, we affirm the canon of Scripture, the Old and New Testament together, as being the word of God. New Testament scholar N. T. Wright, commenting on 2 Timothy 3:16-17, describes what this meant for early Christians and still means today — “that the reason the scriptures were alive was because God had ‘breathed’ them in the first place, and the warmth and life of that creative breath was still present and powerful.”(1) In other words, the Holy Spirit, who empowered Paul to write those words to Timothy, is the SAME Holy Spirit who enlivens those words today in addressing us. Scripture is not just some ancient book; it’s God’s self-revelation addressed to us through the Holy Spirit.
Christian author and lawyer Justin Earely provides an application of what it might look like to see Scripture as God’s address to us. “Refusing to check the phone until after reading a passage of Scripture is a way of replacing the question ‘What do I need to do today?’ with a better one, ‘Who am I and who am I becoming?’ We have no stable identity outside of Jesus.”(2)
What identity do you cling to most? Do you see scripture as just an ancient guidebook or a living letter through which God still speaks to you? Has God spoken loudly to you, calling you into a relationship with Him? Did you say “yes?”
(1) N. T. Wright, Paul for Everyone: The Pastoral Letters, 119.
“The next day John was there again with two of his disciples. When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, ‘Look, the Lamb of God!’ When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, ‘What do you want?’ They said, ‘Rabbi’ (which means ‘Teacher’), ‘where are you 28 staying?’ ‘Come,’ he replied, ‘and you will see.’ So they went and saw where he was staying, and they spent that day with him. It was about four in the afternoon. John 1:35-39
Relationships are hard. It’s even harder with quarantines, Zoom meetings, and text-only encounters. To really get to know someone, we have to spend time with them physically and emotionally. While we may learn something about someone through listening to the stories others tell of them, to really get to know them we have to hear from them directly.
Two of John’s followers in today’s text understood this. They were learning about Jesus through John’s teaching, but when Jesus himself passes by, they are quick to follow him and spend time with him. They were eager to directly interact with the living Word of God. Consider what pastor Adele Calhoun says relating this concept to Scripture for us today, “There are always other books to read and speakers to listen to. Of course, God does use books and people to speak to us. But Scripture is a primary way that the Holy Spirit opens us up to the God who is beyond us.”
We often think that God does not speak to us but we couldn’t be further from the truth. He speaks loudly through the scriptures. When Jesus was in the desert, he relied solely upon God’s word to fully sustain him and protect him. It’s the same word we have in our possession today. Wow!!
Consider these suggestions within the three categories of time, space and content as ways of fostering the practice of being present with the written Word of God:
Time: a) Read Scripture every day this week at a set time (ex. when you first get up, over your lunch break, before bed, etc.). b) When you read Scripture, set a timer for 15 min. (or more) to avoid feeling like you have to keep an eye on the time if you only have limited time available.
Space: a) Pick a spot that is mostly free from distraction. b) As you prepare to spend time with the written Word of God, take a few deep breaths. c) Light a candle as a reminder of God’s presence there with you.
Content: It can be intimidating to sit down with Scripture if you don’t know what to read or how much to read. Try following a reading plan, something that works for you. One good place to start is in the gospels. Consider taking 21 days to read through the gospel of John, a chapter a day.
As you develop this holy time with God, open your heart to the words and to the transformation that comes from abiding in the Word.
It is impossible to respond unless there is something to respond to. For instance, you can’t hit “reply” to a message you never received. It’s the same thing when you enter into worship. You can’t respond to God’s Word if His Word is never given. When I was leading worship, I would say to the people after the scripture reading, “This is the Word of God for the people of God.” They would respond, “Thanks be to God.” But what are we really referring to by the Word of God?
Scripture? Yes. But it’s more than that. We are referring to the person of Jesus Christ. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made” (John 1:1-3).
This Word is how God reveals himself to the world. As John points out, it is how God created the world and, as the rest of the gospel goes on to describe, it is how God reconciles the world to himself. Notice though that the Word in these opening verses feels other-worldly. It does not belong to this world, but is outside of it.
And then John 1:14 is presented to us and it changes everything! “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”
The Word became flesh in the person of Jesus Christ. He is the Word of God, God’s perfect self- expression. Scripture proclaims and ultimately points to Jesus Christ, God’s personal Word to all. Jesus, as the incarnate Word of God, and Scripture, as the written Word of God pointing to the incarnate, reveal to us who God is and who he has created us to be. While we are not able to see Jesus physically today, we still may know him through the Word of God, our Scripture, as his Spirit speaks in our hearts.
We are invited to respond to the Word in many different ways. But in order to do so, each of us must choose to say, “Yes.” Yes to the Word of God. Yes to salvation. Yes to suffering for the sake of Christ. Yes. Throughout this Lent season I will be making consistent invitations to you to say “Yes” to the Word- maybe for the first time or perhaps a renewal. And when you do, let me know so that your new journey is not one you do alone.
REFLECTION When have you had a spiritual experience as a result of responding to the Word of God?
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! — 2 Corinthians 5:17
Lent. Many Christians recognize Lent as the mark of Easter’s beginning. But truly it is that season where we are invited to both mourn and hope. It is a season of mourning as we wrestle with the cost and pain of our sin and brokenness. We hope as we see Christ victorious in his suffering and death. We mourn as we think of Jesus on the cross, bearing the weight of our sentences. We hope as we recall the empty tomb and our freedom from death. In reflecting back on the cross and looking forward to resurrection, we recognize that abiding in Christ shapes our lives in all things. As the apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians, “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come.”
Faith, hope and love are the defining realities of this life as a new creation. That’s not to say that once we become followers of Christ, we live into the full expression of those virtues. Oh no. We fall short. We sin. But, those defining realities are given to us by the Holy Spirit. And it is through the Spirit that we grow as authentic disciples. As we look to Christ and seek to live in active response to him, we open ourselves up for the Spirit to work within us, nurturing our faith, hope and love.
In the midst of the pandemic and now this ice/snow storm, many may feel more mournful than hopeful. It’s easy to settle into those darker places, cocooning ourselves in the worldliness of despair. But Lent says, “No!” Lent says, “ hope is all around you because Christ has come and Christ is coming again!”
Spiritual practices can help to focus on the hope given to us through Jesus Christ. There is nothing magical about the spiritual practices themselves. On their own, they are powerless to provide meaningful transformation. But with God, He will use them to transform us into people of greater faith, hope and love. As we journey through Lent, reflecting on the cross and resurrection, let us be mindful of the hope found in the midst of the mourning.
Only a few hours left of 2020. Before we all start cheering, I think it’s important to reflect on what was so we can properly hope for what is to come.
So what did 2020 bring into our lives?
COVID-19 pandemic, quarantines and lockdowns, unemployment, murder hornets, Kobe Bryant’s death, impeachment hearings, stock market crash, Beirut explosion, Chadwick Boseman’s death, BLM, antifa, protests, riots, toilet paper shortage, masks, Zoom meetings, homeschooling, 6 feet rule, massive wildfires, Israeli peace agreement, RBG’s death, murder rates rise, church closings, no sport spectators, travel bans, Tennessee tornado, hurricanes, brexit, locust swarms, Olympics canceled, Haiti fire, earthquakes, national emergency, shootings, presidential election, national chaos, Trump tests positive for Covid, Alex Trebek’s death, UFO sightings, small businesses closing, reduced capacity, home shopping, no family gatherings, Covid vaccine, Nashville bombing.
Yes, this all happened in 2020 … and we survived! It can seem like there is nothing good to reflect upon but, with God, there is always good!
Each of us have to decide for ourselves what the good is. For me, it was a deeper relationship with my husband, a renewed appreciation for friends, a surrender of things I can’t control, and a full-time counseling job. All of these moments of “good” are the direct result of seeking God in all of the moments of each day.
God is always there with us, guiding us and loving us. But when we seek Him in the tough moments, we can see a side of the challenge that brings hope.
Over this year, I have wondered often about where the good is. Watching the news or reading the social media feeds, I have been left with a sense of doom. And I’m not alone. The clients I have met with this past year have brought profoundly deep pain. More than once, as I left my office at the end of the day I wondered, “God, am I doing any good at all?”
A couple of weeks ago, after a particularly challenging day at work, I made my way home thinking and praying about the souls I interacted with that day. Crisis after crisis and there seemed no end it sight. And then, I get a text message from a client I had seen the day before. This client is an artist and had given me a bowl they had made from wood. In the wood, there was a faint line where the wood had cracked in the creation process. This is what my client said: “I gave you that particular bowl because it was broken and I was able to put it back together and unless you look carefully you can’t tell it was broken. You do that for broken people, you counsel them and put them back together.”
That is hope. That is resilience. That is grace. That is God. And God never leaves us broken. We may be living in a broken world but, if you are a disciple of Jesus Christ, you are no longer broken! You have been made whole … even in a crazy year like 2020.
”The world seems to be in trouble, whether it’s the storms or the political problems we have in this country. The only hope for this world is God,” Rev. Franklin Graham said during an appearance on Newsmax TV’s ”Spicer & Co.”
Rev. Graham was right. Our only hope is God! I have no idea why 2020 has been so difficult. But I know God has not grown silent. He has not forgotten us. Instead, His hope abounds! But make no mistake, the only way to grasp this hope and experience its fullness is to be fully immersed in the word of God.
“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus” (Matt. 14:29).
With each new headline this year, we watched a storm brewing. And, if you were like me, there were times when you were genuinely frightened at the sheer size of the waves heading your way.
But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”(Matt. 14:30)
When Peter stepped out of the boat before the storm was still, he walked on the words Jesus said to him. But the moment he decided to focus on storm… the junk in our lives… he began to sink. We must choose to walk on Jesus’ words during life’s storms, even if they don’t make sense. And let’s be honest, what about 2020 has made sense? Well, God has! God not only speaks to us through the storms of life, but he also meets with us and speaks to us in the heart of the storm, when we’re at the end of ourselves and all hope is gone. Friends, it’s in those dark nights of the soul that God is found. It’s also in the bright sunny days that God is found.
As you wipe the dust of 2020 off your feet, give God thanks for what was because, friends, hope still exists. Miracles still happen. And Jesus Christ still reigns!
For weeks I have put off writing this blog. I get started then erase it and walk away. But here I sit once again so …
I am overweight.
There. I said it. Actually, I never made it to that statement before when I tried to write this one so there’s a step forward! Seriously, I am overweight. And it’s become something that I can no longer ignore or convince myself that it’s not really that bad. It IS really that bad and it’s time I acknowledge it so I can make some significant changes in my life.
As with 99% of you, 2020 has not been kind. In fact, 2020 has become my favorite four-letter word — “What the 2020?” is my personal favorite. Some of you may have seen the jumanji memes about this year on social media. We laugh about those but seriously, each month seems to bring some new level of awful to navigate. Add to that my own personal tribulations and it’s been a year made for horror movies or, at least, psychological thrillers.
Beginning about mid-year 2019, I found myself slipping into a deep state of depression which only increased my anxiety. Before you ask, yes, I am a therapist. I’m a trauma specialist, actually. So I know what extreme stress and anxiety can do to the body. Yes, I know all of the tools I should use. No, I do not take my own advice very often, thank you very much.
As 2019 wound down, I saw myself going deeper into a void that I filled with food. The more numb I became, the more I used food to feel…anything. Little did I know that by ignoring the depression when it began, I was setting myself up for a spiral unlike anything I had experienced before.
I’m not going to get into everything that has happened this year in my personal life. Suffice it to say, it’s been a year of pain, betrayal, and loneliness. I’m so very grateful for a husband who has stood by me through it all, even carrying some of the pain himself. Regardless of the cause, the result was a deep depression that became quite suffocating. I pushed away friends, family, and, most importantly, God. Instead of pouring it all out to Him, I allowed the crevasse in my soul to grow wider and deeper with each passing day, filling it with the only thing that seemed to bring me any comfort. Food. It’s not like I was drinking or getting high so it can’t be that bad, right? [Insert shoulder shrug here]
Food has been for me a love/hate thing most of my life. I have watched women struggle with the pleasure of eating versus the expectation of a certain weight. I know what it is like to pick at your food around friends only to sneak unhealthy snacks when no one is looking (judging). I have battled the pleasure of eating with the guilt of eating and I have lived with an eating disorder after my “friends” made fun of my appearance one too many times. I can honestly say I have never looked in the mirror and said, “I’m pretty” or “I really love the way I look.” Most of my thoughts about myself are not really G-rated so I’m not going to put them out here on social media. Can you relate?
The love/hate of food has only escalated this year. I noticed early 2020 that I was consuming more sugary beverages than I used to but I didn’t make any changes. Then after an abrupt change in my life which resulted in threats, harmful letters, and humiliation, I found a sense of loneliness that pushed me beyond anything I had felt in my life. Add to that the mandatory isolation because of Covid-19 and the result was an eating binge that would last seven months and a weight gain of more than 20 pounds.
Now, let’s get to the truth of things. No one is at fault except me. I don’t blame my circumstances, my losses, or my depression on my weight gain. The only blame to be placed is me. I made a choice – replace God with instant pleasure. I wanted to fill a void that was so painful, so empty. And I wanted it filled immediately with something I could “control.” Food became that source of fulfillment. Unfortunately, as we all know, anything outside of God is only temporary and will always lead to emptiness. This situation is no different.
Recently, I had an invitation to go out with some folks. I turned it down. Why? I didn’t want anyone to see me. I am embarrassed of myself and the way I look. This summer, my husband and I joined a boat club. I have always loved the water and it’s one of very few places that bring me complete contentment. I have only invited a couple of people on the boat with us, not because I don’t want people to go. No no. It’s because I am too embarrassed for people to see me. I worry constantly about running into people I haven’t seen in a while when I go out because my fear is the judgement or pity in their eyes when they look my way. The anxiety I feel becomes the thing from my childhood all over again. It’s debilitating and I have to pretend to be okay all of the time.
I read a book several years ago called, God Loves Ugly by Christa Black. There was a statement the author wrote that has always stuck with me. “Your body is a house, and that house provides a means of carrying around the most precious cargo in the universe: you.” Well, my house has been really messy for about a year now and it’s time I cleaned it up.
1 Corinthians 6 is quite implicit about this.
13 You know the old saying, “First you eat to live, and then you live to eat”? Well, it may be true that the body is only a temporary thing, but that’s no excuse for stuffing your body with food, or indulging it with sex. Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!
14-15 God honored the Master’s body by raising it from the grave. He’ll treat yours with the same resurrection power. Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master’s body. You wouldn’t take the Master’s body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not.
19-20 Or, didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
I cannot begin to tell you how these words seep into my soul and cause me unrest. I have not honored God because I have not honored my body. I have given God my soul but kept my physical body to myself, mistreating it, criticizing it, and neglecting it. And that is a sin. A sin that I have allowed to grow and fester.
I truly do not want to have anything separate me from God. I cannot live into the redeemed identity Christ gave me if I am living with one foot in and one foot out of a Christ-given life. Unfortunately, I do not think I can change on my own. In fact, I know I can’t.
Ecclesiastes 4:
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
I have a dear friend who has already been part of my cord. She encourages without judging. She shakes her finger without condemning. And she helps me laugh when I want to cry. I mentioned that I needed to drink more water. Without another word, she bought me this water bottle. But it’s not just any bottle. It’s a constant cheerleader, reminding me to not give up. It’s a little thing but actually quite huge. And it’s a step for me.
I know that to be accountable, I have to be completely honest. So that is the reason behind this post. I am about to do the one thing I never believed I could ever do…
I weigh 181.4 pounds. I have a BMI of 32. I am considered obese. I think I’m ugly.
But God thinks I am beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that he died for me! “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Cor 5:17)
Praise be to God!
I proclaim in the name of Jesus Christ that I am ready to make a change. I am no longer going to use food as substitute for the Holy Spirit. I am no longer going to use food a source of comfort for difficult periods in my life. I am going to use food for fuel, thankful to God for sustaining me each day. I am going to learn to love myself so that I can fully love others and receive the love others have to give me. I am ready. If you are ready to make a change in your life, give something sinful up, surrender to God, and embrace the new life that has come, join me. It’s a journey meant to be traveled together!
The past two days have been a bit of a valley. Like most people I know, I’m not a fan of disappointment and it seems that disappointment has been a reoccurring theme as of late. Let me explain.
It’s been 68 days since I stepped foot in a church building. That’s 1,632 hours since I kneeled before God in a sanctuary, asking Him one last time if He was absolutely sure this was His will. (He was, by the way). 68 days.
When I walked out with my last box that day, I really didn’t have a clue what was coming. I had no idea a government shutdown of the entire country would happen just two weeks later. I had no idea that church doors would become off-limits to us throughout many states, including my own. I had no idea that I would be left in this perpetual state of emptiness for an indefinite period of time. Nope. I only knew I needed some time away.
I understand that for a lot of people, worshipping from home with their home church is not a big deal. For some people (and if you read social media it’s more like “most” people), worshipping from home is not much different than worshipping in person. In fact, several have stated that they prefer worshipping at home because it’s easier. It never occurred to me that our worship was supposed to be easy. I always thought it was supposed to be a sacrificial part of our lives. But perhaps I have been wrong. Regardless, it appears that the concept of online worshipping has become the preferred method.
It’s not my preferred method because it’s not how we were created.
In the beginning, God created man. We know that Adam was made in the image of God to glorify God. But, as Genesis tells us, God saw that man needed a companion because there was a lacking completion with just man. So God created woman and upon seeing the two together, He was pleased.
Since the beginning of time, men and women have been in communion with one another. All through scripture we are shown the importance of community with one another. Even Jesus Christ required a community – at first choosing 12 disciples to live among, teach to, and talk with. Even more impressive is the fact that Jesus didn’t pick and choose who He communed with. He was (and continues to be) available to everyone.
But here we are in 2020 and we live in the United States of America, where our Constitution absolutely guarantees our freedoms and rights and yet we are not allowed to worship together in person. And many are okay with that.
Before I get accused of not caring about the vulnerable population during this pandemic, let me state quite clearly that I absolutely do care. I also happen to believe that we are a population of people with intelligence. Just because someone is medicare age doesn’t mean they no longer have an IQ. They are quite capable of making healthcare decisions for themselves in regards to going out in public. Those who are immunosuppressed are very educated in what is safe and what isn’t for their bodies. So, stop right there if you’re getting ready to slam me about being callous or uncaring.
For those of you who live outside of Kentucky (where I live), let me just give you some insight as to where my state stands as of mid-May. Kentucky didn’t just flatten the curve, we inverted the curve. Many of our hospitals in the state are laying off massive amounts of employees (doctors and nurses included) because their beds, outpatient clinics, and same-day surgical centers are empty. In a couple of higher population areas there has been a steady amount of COVID cases but not one single instance where there wasn’t a bed or ventilator available. We did exactly what the President of the United States asked of us – we kept the hospitals from being overrun with cases. Instead, they have trickled in at a rate that is manageable.
And yet… our governor will not allow people to live within their rights as guaranteed by the Constitution. We are not allowed to attend church in person.
Ok, so let me clarify here. The governor has said churches may open their doors May 20 (that’s not a Sunday, by the way so it’s actually May 24) but with stipulations and then more stipulations. These go WAY beyond the requirements for other businesses.
No singing! Seriously, no singing.
No hugging, standing next to each other, holding hands, shaking hands, fist bumps, etc.
All family units must be 6 feet apart from other family units.
33% capacity. (So, I guess it’s a lottery system to get into church now)
No wind instruments.
Only one person at a time in a restroom and then staff must disinfect before the next person can go in.
The clergy must preach with a mask.
No coffee (because obviously we all sit around sharing each other’s coffee cups) or donuts.
No clusters of groups in one space.
No nursery.
No Sunday School.
No youth group.
Did I say no singing? Oh, yes I did. But I mean really, no singing?
This list is not complete but you get the drift. Our governor does not want us meeting in-person to worship. He is instead stomping all over our freedoms in order to show his muscle. And people are applauding his behavior, which is absolutely your right. But these “restrictions” are destroying me and many others.
Somewhere along the way, it became acceptable to trample mental health in the name of fear. It has become acceptable to watch people quickly sink in the quicksand of hopelessness and despair in the name of “protection.” It has become acceptable to watch people’s livelihoods implode in the name of health. It has become acceptable to justify suicide, violence, depression, addiction, and other mental diseases as okay as long this virus stays around. Does that make any sense? No! Having physically healthy people is useless if we become a society of mentally unhealthy people. And yet, mental disease is on the rise at a faster rate than I can fathom all because of despair.
There is only one cure for despair. Jesus Christ.
Church is more than a place to go on Sunday mornings. It SHOULD be a place to surrender all of your fears, your struggles, your doubts, and your pain. It SHOULD be a place that allows you to receive hope and encouragement while growing your appetite for a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. It SHOULD be a place where you are challenged and made to be uncomfortable in your complacency. It SHOULD be a place where you acknowledge your sins and recommit your life to God as you repent. It SHOULD be a life-changing place each and every time you walk through the doors. That was the purpose of the original church and a true Bible-teaching church still believes in that purpose today. You cannot make disciples of Jesus Christ while living in sin, hopelessness, and complacency.
The church is more essential than any business I know. It offers life-sustaining, eternity-promising, redemption-giving information that no other place is equipped to do. Yes, you can read the Bible for yourself. You can sing hymns in your home. But if that’s all that is required, why did Jesus urge his followers to join together? Why did Jesus see the importance of touch? Why did Jesus see the importance of community? Jesus wasn’t afraid to touch the leper. He wasn’t afraid to be around the demon-possessed. And he never taught us to be afraid, either. Yet, here we are… cowering in our homes afraid.
Yes, I’m disappointed. I disappointed that I don’t have a church to attend because there are none open. I’m disappointed that so many Christians are ok being just ok. I’m disappointed that it’s been 68 days and likely much much longer.
I’m sitting on my deck as I write this and thinking that it could easily become a worship space, full of people gathering together in anticipation of encountering the Holy Spirit. Perhaps it’s just what I will do, invite over a dozen or so people who, like me are desperate to live as God intends for us to live – in community together worshipping Him. I think that it’s just what people need. I know it’s what I need. I’ve said before that I am church “homeless” right now. When God directed me to leave the pulpit I was serving, my denomination as a whole left me. The emails, texts and personal confrontations have been like one assault after another It’s been eye-opening, to say the least. “Friends” are now only names of what once was. “Colleagues” see me as the enemy. Silence is profound. And yet I hear the words given to Ester and it’s as if God Himself is speaking them loudly to me right now, “If you don’t speak up now, {they} will somehow get help, but you and your family will be {destroyed}. It could be that you were made for such a time as this!”
I may be on my own. I may be without a tribe to walk with. But I believe that these words ring true … truer than any words I can cling to at this moment … I was made for such a time as this. And I will glorify my Lord.
Recently a girlfriend made an off the cuff statement that just won’t leave my mind. We were talking about our husbands and she said that her husband had hugged her that morning and said, “I just love you so much.” She replied, “there is no way you can love someone this fat.” We all giggled and nodded our understanding. But quite honestly, I felt a pain rush through me unlike anything I have felt in a long while.
I stewed on it for a while. What was it about that statement that was making me uncomfortable. I could completely relate to her statement because I’ve said the very same thing to my husband. And honestly believed it.
The past couple of nights I’ve actually had tossed and turned a bit because I kept thinking about it. I mean, it’s not like many of us don’t think it. Wait. That’s it. We think it but don’t usually say it. We equate our physical appearance – our IMperfections with the worthiness of love.
There is not a single day that I go through where I am not constantly reminded that thinner is better. Or that more youthful skin is the key to happiness. Facebook is over run with weight loss programs, younger skin treatments, before and after pictures and “thinspiration.” Television ads for national weight loss programs are on at least once an hour, if not more. Magazines show airbrushed pictures, the newest night creams, and the latest weight loss fad. And none of those things even begin to touch the intimate conversations between friends about our consistent weight struggles or fears of growing older. Now before folks get upset with me, let me clarify right now that I am not against healthy living. I do believe 1 Corinthians 6:19 – it states that the body is a temple in which the Holy Spirit dwells. Verse 20 goes on to say, “For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” For that reason, I believe it is our obligation to take care of the body which we have been given by God. So for anyone reading this who is currently living a healthy lifestyle, I applaud you for the hard work as long as that work is not because of self-loathing and a desire to be loved.
My point is that we have allowed ourselves to measure our worth on the number of the scale reading. That’s what hurts me. I am so ashamed that I have said to my husband that he can’t possibly love me because of my outward appearance. The truth is, I don’t fully love me because of my outward appearance so I place that “truth” on him and…ultimately, on my heavenly Father.
As a minister, I preach on God’s love every week in one form or another. I encourage others to look beyond themselves and their brokenness in order to see a perfect love that has been offered to them through Jesus Christ. I speak on redemption and grace. I offer scripture after scripture proving the love that is so abundantly available to them. And yet, I carry this dark secret that says none of that applies to me.
Yesterday, a precious young girl gave our scripture reading. She is beautiful in every way. I thought of Psalm 139:14 “I praise you, for a I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” And when I looked I her, I just wanted to protect her from all the junk of society. I want her to always feel free and beautiful, not because of a societal definition but because she is made in His image!
A couple of years ago I read a book called God Loves Ugly. It’s a powerful book by Christa Black. She writes about her struggles with physical acceptance and how it overshadowed any possibility of spiritual acceptance. We are just so tied to this idea of physical appearance equates to lovability. But not God. 1 Samuel 16:7b “God doesn’t look at things like humans do. Humans see only what is visible to the eyes, but the Lord sees into the heart.”
You see the depths of my heart and love me anyway.
We work so hard with loving others through kindness, support, grace, forgiveness. But we work equally as hard at not loving ourselves. We chastise our friends when they put themselves down but we put on a badge of honor at disrespecting ourselves. What we are actually doing is telling God, “you must have gotten it all wrong when you created me.” In no scenario is that true and yet we accept that “truth” every single day.
I often think about how God sees me. Obviously, according to 1 Samuel, He does not see me in the way I see me. How much does it hurt Him when I say things that are hurtful about me? Or when you say things that are hurtful about you? He focuses on my heart not on my hair style or my waist circumference. While we can pick out the things about us that we are not – “I’m not thin enough. I’m not tall enough. I’m not petite enough. I’m not cute enough. I’m not __________ enough. I’m not perfect.” God sees what I am – “I am a child of God. I am made in His image. I am loved so much that He gave His only son for me. I’m perfect.”
I have dedicated my life to serving God through serving others. He has called me to speak His truth to make disciples of Jesus Christ for the transformation of the world. Mark 12:29-31 says it like this: Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Love your neighbor as yourself. Ouch.
I cannot possibly fulfill my calling to love others if I do not love myself. Just realizing the full impact of my failure takes my very breath away. Forgive me, O Lord, for not seeing your image rather than my own. Forgive me for seeing myself as imperfect rather than saying I’m perfect.
My new truth comes from the International Children’s Bible version of Psalm 139:14 – “I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well.”
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)
“I wish I were thinner.”
“I want a new car.”
“I need a vacation.”
We’ve all done it. We’ve wished, wanted and desired things or situations that we were certain would make our lives better. Most likely, that wouldn’t happen but our struggle with being unhappy clouded the sound judgement that we were drowning in a sea of discontentment. Goodness, I’ve been there for sure! Wanting more. Thinking I needed more. I even tried to bargain with God to get more. But in the end, even when I ended up with what I thought I wanted, I was still supremely discontent and unhappy.
Why?
Because I was seeking something to fill the void that could only be filled with God.
You might be reading this and thinking to yourself, “yeah, sure, that sounds great and all but you don’t know what it’s like to really be in need.” Actually, I do. I’ve been there. I’m there NOW! I’m not talking about the kind of need that says you have to cut back to one new outfit a week. I’m talking about the kind of need that says, “if we aren’t careful, in a couple of months we will have a hard time getting food to eat.” That’s some serious need!
The fact is, any one of us could probably argue that those needs, and even some wants, could lead us to happiness. Unfortunately, that argument will always be lost because things don’t make people happy. We have to find happiness within us in spite of whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.
So, where to find our happiness?
It took me a while to figure this one out. For so long, I stayed in this perpetual funk. One lousy situation after another seemed to confirm that happiness was entirely out of my reach. There were definitely days that getting out of bed was not my first choice. Instead, I would come up with about 10 reasons why I should just bury my head under my blankets and skip the day altogether. Unfortunately, if I did that, I would have missed out on blessings that God was giving me. When I stopped focusing so much on what I wanted, and focused on what God wanted to do in and through me, something amazing happened. I was content. And happy.
In fact, happiness is an external indication of internal contentment.
Talk about a slap in the face! I had been wishing, wanting and coveting things that were supposed to bring happiness for so long and it always seemed to be out of reach. And yet, happiness was there all the time; I just chose to not accept it. It took me a bit to fully embrace that, primarily because I didn’t want to accept that I was the cause of all my pain and misery. No one likes to face that reality. Sure, I could easily blame others but the bottom line is that I allowed situations to define my emotions. I allowed others to infect my heart and I did it willingly, it seemed.
Once I realized that God had already given me all I needed, I learned how to embrace life exactly as it was. Don’t get me wrong, I have cried many a tear. I have tossed and turned more nights then I can count. And I have gone through several containers of concealer trying to cover up those dark circles but I’m not unhappy anymore. I am relatively content. There is still a sliver of concern about the immediate future. But I can admit it and acknowledge that the worry I am experiencing is my human weakness. I don’t like it and I pray to God to take it away. You see, God wants me to place all my worries in His hands so that my internal contentment will shine through as external happiness. He has great plans for me and if I spend too much time on my own lists of things I want, wish for and desire, I will miss out on His perfect plan for my life. I don’t know about you but I think it’s pretty exciting that God would take the time plan out my life. Guess what? He did the same thing for you!
When Paul wrote his letter to the Philippians, he spoke about being content in our lives. I can relate so intimately to this scripture because I have lived it. I am living it. My reality is not what I had planned for my life. I can assure you that! I am an educated, disciplined woman and yet my family’s everyday struggles can be overwhelming at times. My husband and I laugh just so we won’t cry. But spending the energy to push against our reality is fruitless. All that does is cause more pain, heartache and hopelessness. When that happens, Satan wins.
What if we learned to embrace our reality?
I know for me it was like I could breathe for the first time. It isn’t easy to let go of this false sense of security we call control. But truly accepting my reality allowed me to hear God’s voice in the midst of the chaos. I had been drowning Him out because I was so certain I knew what was best. But when we learn to be content in our present, God will indeed give us strength for our future.
I am pretty certain that my turbulence is not over with just yet. And I bet a few more tears fall. But I am able to place a genuine smile on my face and allow my external happiness to shine because my internal contentment is firmly in place. I still get disappointments and fears. Being without a job is a scary place to be. But God continues to provide for me and my family as long as I continue to give Him all the glory, even through gritted teeth. I may not like the lot I’m in but I love the One who is by my side.
Holy God, I know YOU are the God hope. Yet, in this moment I do not feel filled with the joy and peace YOU offer to me. In this moment hope is distant in my heart. Right now, Holy God, I cry out and acknowledge that I need YOU. I need YOUR hope in my heart and I need YOUR filling. Please help me to do my part to trust YOU. Help me to trust YOU to give me the hope and the joy and the peace that your Holy Spirit brings. Increase my faith so that I can trust YOU fully with all the question marks in my life. FIll me by the power of YOUR Holy Spirit now. I don’t want to just survive or just get by… I want to overflow! YOUR Holy Spirit is the only one who has the power to pour the peace and joy YOU offer into my weary soul. I trust YOU today with all the circumstances of my life. Thank you that I can come to YOU, my God of Hope! Thank you that YOU offer peace to my heart. It is YOUR gift to me and I desperately need it.
Life is filled with so many distractions and disappointments that often rob me of that peace. Your word says that YOU will keep my heart in peace as I trust in YOU for strength and discernment and wisdom in every area of my life. Active, conscious trusting keeps my thoughts focused on YOU. Thank you that YOUR peace will be the result! Holy God, please help me today to focus on YOU in all the details of my life, inviting YOU into each circumstance, conversation and activity. Grow my trust in YOU. Keep me today in YOUR perfect peace for I have very little of my own. In YOU I place my trust today! Amen.
That prayer was written by a dear friend of mine, Deb Webb. She wrote it several months ago and I have it hanging on my wall. I haven’t read it in awhile but today it caught my eye. As I read it, I realized that I was breathing every single word of that prayer. My shoulders dropped and my eyes filled up – I had allowed life to rob me of God’s joy and peace. How in the world had this happened?
If you haven’t been following my posts on Facebook, allow me to fill you in. 2013 was a pretty rotten year. 2012 wasn’t great either but 2013 was one for the record books. My husband lost his medical license for an undetermined amount of time. This led to him closing his practice. I took a job at a mental health facility that turned out to be less then ideal but another business wooed me away. Unfortunately, my salary as a counselor could not sustain us in our former lifestyle. We ended up losing our home, our two cars, other possessions and downsized to a historic rental home. Luckily the owners of the home are friends of ours so they made the transition much smoother then it could have been. My husband was not able to find a full-time job because no one would hire a doctor – over qualified was the common response. Things became tighter and tighter. In December, he became very sick. It started as the flu then into pneumonia. Finally he was admitted to the hospital where he almost died and ended up spending 17 days – 15 in the ICU! When you end up friending your nurses on Facebook, you know you have been there too long. (As a side note – the Lourdes Hospital ICU nurses and other staff are priceless). After finally getting well enough to come home (on oxygen), I find out that I’m losing my job…. in two days! That is definitely the cliff note version but you get the point. It was a rotten year. This year has not started much better. All of this leads me back to that prayer. I have lost the joy and peace that God has given me. I think it’s time that I find it.
Today, I began packing up my office. I realized that I really hate boxes. I used to love boxes because that meant that I was moving. Moving represented new opportunities. New surroundings. Excitement. But now all that is gone. Now, boxes represent another chapter that has closed. I don’t want to close anymore chapters in my life. Not right now. I want to continue in my story with a dull, boring storyline about nothing at all. But instead, I’m packing yet again. Only this time I have no idea where I’m moving to. Yes, I hate boxes. Now, if I were wearing the mask that I used to wear, I would be saying something about God opening an even better door and not looking back..blah blah blah. But I took that mask off two years ago and will not put it back on. I’m sad. Period.
So many people over the past month in particular have reached out to me regarding my posts on Facebook. I have had people I do not even know contact me to offer me words of prayer and love. They have prayed for my husband and his health. They have prayed for his career to be returned to him. They have prayed for strength for all of us. I’m quite certain that those prayers are what carry us both through each and every day. We have a son who is beyond amazing. As many changes as that child has experienced, he never complains or acts out. He just shows compassion and love. He’s kind of amazing, like I said. For him, I am determined to show little sadness. But in the stillness of the night, as I sit here listening to the rhythm of my husband’s breathing, I allow myself to feel all the emotions that are lurking inside. I feel every question mark in my life and the lack of answers can be suffocating. So now I turn to this prayer. I turn to the words that so accurately address all that I am feeling. I realize that if I’m feeling it, God is too. I tell my clients that tears are God’s salve. I really do believe that. So I allow them to fall and hopefully pour some peace into my weary soul. I know that God has not caused any of the heartache we have felt. He doesn’t hurt us or punish us. But He does allow us to experience pain so that we will fully acknowledge the He alone can heal that pain. Honestly, I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. I know it will be difficult as I say good-bye to folks I genuinely love and adore. But I will hold up my head as I close that chapter and wait anxiously for the next adventure in this crazy story called “My Life.”
…Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, “ God has lost track of me. He doesn’t care what happens to me”? Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening? God doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind. (Isaiah 40:27-31 MSG).
a girlfriend made an off the cuff statement that just won’t leave my mind. We were talking about our husbands and she said that her husband had hugged her that morning and said, “I just love you so much.” She replied, “there is no way you can love someone this fat.” We all giggled and nodded our understanding. But quite honestly, I felt a pain rush through me unlike anything I have felt in a long while.
Lord, have mercy… 