Category Archives: My Story. My Faith.

For Me, To Die Is Gain

10 Tuesday Aug 2021

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This week, I said good-bye to a precious childhood friend, Casey. She succumbed to the effects of Covid-19. She was 47 years-old.

Next month will mark seven years since I said good-bye to my best friend, Jodi. She died from complications after a motorcycle accident. She was 39 years-old.

Death. It’s something we never want to talk about, yet, none of us will avoid it.

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

When reading scripture, it’s obvious that death is a big part of life. Jesus Christ showed us the importance of life and death. The truth is, however, that living seems much easier, doesn’t it? Even when life is difficult, we at least know what to expect with living. But death… well it seems so mysterious and final. Even for Christians, we have a difficulty grasping the glory of death. I think it’s because we are seeing it through the eyes of earthly life.

The Apostle Paul understood the conundrum of life and death. In Philippians 1:21-26, he says, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Now if I live on in the flesh, this means fruitful work for me; and I don’t know which one I should choose.I am torn between the two. I long to depart and be with Christ—which is far better—but to remain in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.Since I am persuaded of this, I know that I will remain and continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that, because of my coming to you again, your boasting in Christ Jesus may abound.“

There is an old saying that says a person is not ready to live until they are first ready to die. In other words, only once we are ready to die, are we truly ready to live. So what do I mean, exactly? To be ready to die can only come with a life-surrender to Jesus Christ. We must die of our old self, our sinful self, in order to live in our freedom granted only through the cross. When that happens, an earthly death is not something we fear. We may not want it to come quickly but we don’t fear it. That’s the point of being ready to die which allows us to truly live. And yet, many people wait until it’s too late to come to this realization. They use their final days to surrender their lives to Jesus Christ but they never get the opportunity to live their life for Christ.

Paul was ready to die. He wanted to die so he could live eternally with Jesus. But Paul understood that his work on earth was not completed. He was needed for those around him. His life … and death … was in God’s hands.

“For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

“For me.” That’s a powerful phrase. From the depth of his soul, Paul is saying, “Regardless of how anyone else is living… for me; regardless of what my friends are doing… for me. For me to live is Christ, whether anyone else lives for Christ.”

Do you ever feel like the world is just out to get you? Do you ever feel like you have to reign in your faith because the world believes it’s just too big or too much? Do you wonder if you’re going to make it through whatever difficulty you are going through? We all struggle with these things from time to time. But, friends, we don’t have to wonder if we are cut out to make it through the tough times.

Did you know that when Paul said this verse, he was in prison in Rome? He had been charged with insurrection against the Empire and was awaiting trial before Caesar. If found guilty, the sentence is death. So Paul was facing the real possibility that he would end soon.

And as Paul sits in his dark cell, he writes this letter to the Philippians. For all he knows, it would be the last letter. And yet, he is not fearful; he is not filled with anxiety; he is a man at peace because to live is Christ.

“Regardless of what the world says, regardless of what the circumstances are that threaten me, for me to live is Christ.” It was the single greatest purpose of his existence. And the same should be true for each of us.

Over the past week, as I joined in prayer with so many friends and family of Casey, it was amazing to read the number of comments about her faith. She wasn’t just a believer in Jesus. She was a disciple of Jesus. She consistently lived her life by following His commandments and bringing others the Good News. Did she love her neighbors as Jesus commanded? Yes. Did she just stop there? No. She talked constantly about Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. She shared her story of faith and how it was through her willingness to die for Christ that she was able live for Christ. And live is what she did. He legacy is her faith. When people talk about Casey, they will also talk about Jesus Christ. That is a legacy worth dying for.

Casey makes it easy to celebrate her life. She celebrated life the moment she was reborn and she celebrated life until the moment she had her earthly death. But she is not dead. She is very much alive through all the people who have come to either know Jesus or grow their intimacy with Jesus because of her witness.

I can’t help but wonder if my life reflects that kind of faith. I know I have failed my Jesus so many times. I have been Peter, and denied him. I have been Judas, and given him the kiss of betrayal. I have been Thomas and doubted. I have been Paul and cried in anguish as I’ve struggled between doing what I knew was right and what I knew was wrong. I have clung to things of this world, fearful of what is unknown about the next.

“All the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn’t want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God’s righteousness. I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself.” (Phil 3:8-11 MSG)

We cling to our achievements and our prestige in this world. We spend hours on social media bragging in one way or another about the greatness in our lives. But how many people do you see proclaiming bolding that they want to be a partner in Christ’s suffering, all the way to the suffering on the cross? It’s not a popular concept. But it is the only true way to live.

I think Casey was like Paul. I think she was ready to die which is exactly why she so boldly lived. If you are a Christian, you should be like Paul, too. The fact is, in the midst of a pandemic, we are faced with death in a more aggressive way, it seems. Sometimes it feels like the angel of death is just hovering over all of us, breathing down our necks just a bit closer than we like to admit. But in reality, death is always just a moment away. Too many well-meaning Christians (pastors included) don’t prepare each other to face death. That’s why we live in such fear of it.

So, I want to ask you this very personal question. Are you ready to die if death were to knock on your door? Have you put your faith in Jesus Christ completely? Do you believe that he is your Lord and your Savior? If you were to die tonight, would you receive the ultimate reward of heaven? Friend, if you do not know Jesus Christ, if he is not the reason you live and breathe, I would be honored to introduce him to you. Once you know him… really know him… you’ll give up everything to have the only thing — eternal life. “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Baby Naomi

28 Wednesday Jul 2021

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Ninety-nine percent of the time, when I write, it’s about my story or experiences. But today, I get the privilege of being the voice for someone else. It’s exciting because I know God set all of this in motion and He chose me to play a very small role.

This is the story of Naomi.

Naomi was born in Tarime, Tanzania December 2, 2020. Tarime is a small village in northwestern Tanzania near the Tanzania-Kenyan border. While you might look at this perfect little face and think she’s healthy and happy, Naomi’s young life almost wasn’t.

Naomi’s mother, Bhoke, was only 3 years old when she came to Angel House. Angel House is for orphaned and abandoned children. Bhoke and her sister Nossi were found by police eating from a trash pile, abandoned by their mother. The police brought the two young children to Angel House in hopes of providing them a safe place to grow and live since their mother was also homeless and suffered from mental illness, preventing her from providing a stable upbringing for her children.

For several years, Bhoke did very well at Angel House. She did well in school and had friends. Unfortunately, in 2019 Bhoke’s sense of safety and trust was shattered when a teacher began to make unwelcome sexual advances toward her. It was frightening for Bhoke to have this person of authority sexually harass her. She found herself scared, confused, and alone. This sexual harassment continued, causing Bhoke to seek safety and acceptance in the arms of a male student.

Bhoke became pregnant at 17 years old. The pregnancy only increased her feelings of fear and isolation. To add to her desperation, Angel House rules stated she was no longer allowed to stay there due to the pregnancy.

Bhoke now had no home. No family. And no support. Thinking she had no alternative, Bhoke decided her best course of action was to get an abortion. But God had other plans…

Anna Migara was instrumental in starting Angel House and continues to serve the orphaned and abandoned children who live there. Anna knew Bhoke’s story all too well. Concerned for her wellbeing, Anna brought Bhoke to live with her.

Even though Bhoke now had a roof over her head, she still felt abortion was the best choice. She attempted an abortion twice. BOTH times, the abortion failed and baby Naomi survived! That should stop you in your tracks, my friend. Two times, satan tried to prevail and God’s protection was triumphant. Twice!

Baby Naomi entered this world with a whole lot stacked against her. But God was obviously protecting her. I think it’s because God has big plans for this baby girl.

Bhoke and Naomi currently live with Anna. However, Bhoke will return to Angel House in October to complete her schooling. That means that Naomi will be left with Anna to raise. That’s not easy, considering Anna has other mouths to feed. It’s a true sacrifice to take on the full-time care of an infant. Anna works full-time, ministers to people, and has just finished college. She is very busy but also very obedient to God. And God has told her that she is the one to take care of Naomi.

As Anna and I were talking recently, I asked her to describe Naomi. This is what she said, “She is so sweet. She’s hard to get to smile but laughs when her stomach is full.”

Do you ever remember a time when you said something like that? Of course not! Because for us, our stomachs are always full. Our little ones have what they need and we don’t typically have to wonder how we are going to feed our children. “She laughs when her stomach is full.”

Naomi needs your help, my friend. Anna simply cannot do this on her own. Like me, Anna believes it takes a village to raise a child. We are her village! Naomi survived a death sentence twice. She is going to change the world in the name of Jesus Christ and you get to be a part of her life.

Right now, her needs are simple but important. She needs proper food, diapers, and clothes. She has no toys but Anna does what she can to entertain her. She is recovering from malaria so medicine and proper medical care is also needed. $185 a month is an approximate amount which will help Naomi have the best care. To help, go to https://gofund.me/1cb91677

If you feel led by God to invest your prayers and/or finances into Naomi’s care, Anna, Bhoke, and Naomi will be forever grateful. Please I have known Anna for four years. Her story is powerful and it changed my life. As strong as she is, she can’t do it alone. Please join me in changing the world through one child at a time.

“You will make her feel the love of God and the kingdom of God here on earth.”— Anna Migera

Power of God

17 Thursday Jun 2021

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“He sat down in the ashes” after his whole life had crashed. — Job 2:8

The ocean is an amazing place to be. The power and majesty it holds demands respect. I was privileged enough to spend a week at the beach, resting in God’s creation. As the week passed on, the ocean grew more and more angry as a tropical depression moved in.

On the last day I was there, I sat just observing and listening to the sounds of the great waves beating the shoreline. In the midst of the crashes, I could almost hear the roar of God making His presence known. I’m certain, if given the chance, I could have sat there all night listening to Him.

While sitting there, I noticed a little sandcastle a small child had built earlier. He was so very proud. I remember him chattering to his family to “look!!” But now the huge swells were crashing down on the little castle, washing it away in a single moment. I couldn’t help but think of Job 2:8. Satan wouldn’t let up on Job, convinced he could get Job to sin against God. As Job’s whole life seemed to crash around him, leaving him sitting in the ashes, he still praised God. “Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?” (Job 2:10)

How often does life treat us like the waves crashing on that little sandcastle? If you’re like me, you have experienced a few moments sitting in the ashes while your whole world seemed to crash around you. But unlike the sandcastle, if you have surrendered your entire life to Jesus Christ, you will ultimately rise above those waves. Only through Jesus. Only through His strength. Only Jesus.

Freedom from Food

16 Friday Apr 2021

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You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. — Song of Solomon 4:7

Last September I wrote a blog about my struggle with my weight. I really thought I was ready to make a change when I wrote that piece. But I wasn’t. The depression I was in was simply too strong and I felt helpless. To make it worse, I had made my struggle public so now everyone knew I was … fat. Everyone knew I chose food over God as my comfort. Everyone knew I was weak. …And the pounds kept coming.

But sometimes change comes when we least expect it. February 6 was nothing extraordinary. I was on social media in a … shoe group page (don’t judge me). I had posted a pair of shoes for sale and a lady quickly nabbed them up. We started chatting about the final details and I noticed her email address said, “health coach.” So, I asked her about it and she shared her weight loss journey.

Two days later, I contacted her to get started … and I haven’t looked back. It was hard at first but then something changed. I started seeing food as a gift from God rather than His replacement. I found Jesus Christ IN the weight loss.

FREEDOM

So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law. — Galatians 5:1

Scripture tells us to embrace the freedom that comes from faith in Jesus Christ. But for some reason I struggled living into that freedom. And food gave me an excuse to be even more enslaved. I had tried so many diets but the strictness of them created an unrealistic set of laws I was unable to follow. So Christ has truly set us free. How could I have forgotten?!!

I was so busy trying to eat the “right” thing, and look the “right” way and yet all I did was fail. When we receive the freedom in Christ from diets and sizes and self-imposed judgment, we can finally hear His voice about how to eat.

LISTEN

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. — John 10:27

Because of the debt Jesus paid on our behalf, we are free from staying in our sins. Instead, once we say yes to Jesus, we are adopted into the kingdom of Heaven. That means we can hear His voice. Christ refers to Himself as our Shepherd. And do you know what shepherds do? They take care of their sheep! That includes providing food. Making sure we are well-fed is on the top of our Shepherd’s priority list! Listen for His voice, and trust that he is leading us where our needs will be met!

GLORIFY GOD

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. — 1 Corinthians 10:31

When I was using food to medicate my depression, I was not glorifying God. I failed to glorify Him in body and in spirit. But praise be to God, I am no longer bound by those ways. I have lost 20 pounds. I see food as fuel given by God. And in return, I praise Him for the health I have been given. We go to God for many things in our lives. But we often neglect to go to God for our daily needs.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:19

My journey is not over but today food is no longer my enemy.

Mean Girls Are No Match For God

06 Tuesday Apr 2021

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Mean girls don’t remember what they said
Well, it’s funny ’cause I can’t seem to forget

Do you ever have those moments when a word or phrase just stabs you right in the heart? That happened to me today. I learned of a conversation that somehow included a very personal experience of mine. I am not going to go into details because the details do not matter. What matters is the gossip that was directed at me and others I care about.

Let’s just be honest, words hurt. There is no way around that fact. We can say all day long, “I don’t care what others think about me,” or “It doesn’t matter what someone is saying, I know the truth.” But deep inside, where we carry the hidden parts of our soul, it hurts.

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers and sisters. — Proverbs 6:16-19

I can remember growing up and being really upset by the way some children would speak about and to me. But I was always told that as I grew older, I would not care about such things. Unfortunately, this is not reality. As I grow older, I have come to realize the depth of the hurt words cause people.

There is a song by Leanna Crawford called Mean Girls. It’s a a powerful song about the burden of words upon our souls.

Stick and stones may break my bones
But no one ever warned me about words

That’s the crux of it. No one really warns us about words. No one tells us how to let words truly bounce off our backs, particularly when they come from those whom you have poured yourself into for the sake of love and friendship.

Mean girls don’t remember what they said
Well, it’s funny ’cause I can’t seem to forget
Their whispers opened up the door
To a world called insecure
No, mean girls don’t remember what they said

Scripture consistently reminds us that life as a disciple is very difficult. It is a truly a very narrow path that we must walk to be faithful to God’s commands. Unfortunately, there are many today who call themselves Christians but neglect to live into the fullness of our called lives. They will say “love” while spewing division.

Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. — 1 John 3:15

Words slowly “murder” another person when used to gossip. They take us to a place filled with shame and self-doubt. They cause walls to go up and relationships to fall apart. They steal trust and instill isolation. And all the while this is happening, we smile through the pain so no one will know.

I smile and I pretend it doesn’t hurt
But the older that I get it just gets worse
Lord, find me and remind me that my worth
Is worth so much more than their words

So, what do we do? We can’t control other people, even though it would be nice sometimes. We can’t force someone to say nice things.

I need to you find me and remind me that my worth
Is worth so much more than their words

For starters, we pray. Psalm 64:2-4 is a good place to start. Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked, from the throng of evildoers, who whet their tongues like swords, who aim bitter words like arrows, shooting from ambush at the blameless, shooting at him suddenly and without fear.

We are incapable of battling these evil spiritual forces without calling upon the name of Jesus Christ. In this world of hatred and division, there is a sense of pride in tearing down another human being. Even more so, there is glee in listening to another tear someone down. But as people of the cross, we cannot be a part of such sin. We must stand up against those who seek to divide the Kingdom by spreading lies, watering down the scriptures, and neglecting the spiritual care of our brothers and sisters.

Today, I was caught by surprise by the pain of another’s words but only for a moment.

Mean girls don’t remember what they said
Well, it’s funny ’cause I can’t seem to forget

It’s true. I can’t seem to forget. But I will glorify God within the pain of the words.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. — Matthew 5:11-12

I am richly blessed because of the many words that have been thrown at and about me for being strong in my faith. I am richly blessed because I have lost friends for listening to the conviction by God within my heart. I am richly blessed because the words of the evil continue to come which tells me that I did exactly what God designed for me to do. Do the words still hurt? In the moment, yes, But in the eternal, not even a little do I feel pain.

Lord, find me and remind me that my worth
Is worth so much more than their words

Praise God, that is exactly what He did!

Lent Day 13: repentance

04 Thursday Mar 2021

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1 Blessed is the one
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the one
whose sin the Lord does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin. – Psalm 32

Lent is a season of repentance. We don’t like to think about repentance because that means we must look at our sinfulness. And yet, that is exactly what we are called to do. Repent.

Today’s psalm highlights the blessings in this way of life that searches for those deeds, words, thoughts, even motives, displeasing to God—and owns them mournfully before him.

The first blessing is forgiveness. The repentant are the forgiven (vv. 1–5). In the psalm, this forgiveness is confirmed by David’s deliverance (vv. 6–7). Let’s be honest, David struggled in life. Troubles had surrounded him like mighty waters. It seems then that David doesn’t just look for his circumstances to change; he offers himself to be changed through his repentance. And the deliverance he receives confirms the forgiveness of the guilt of his sin. Would that we all approach our troubles with such priorities! The repentant are the forgiven—and in that forgiveness is our deliverance.

Another blessing in repentance is who David is becoming through it. This is alluded to in verse 8 of our psalm. He is becoming someone intimate with the teaching and counsel of the Lord, growing in his will.. Our repentance now has everything to do with who we are becoming for tomorrow. The seeds of your future self are in your repentance today.

This tomorrow that we repent toward includes the age to come, the new earth. The season of Lent comes to its end on Easter Sunday. In the resurrection of Jesus, we are promised our own future resurrection! Who will we be on that day? We learn from Jesus’s resurrection that there is an organic unity between our present and future selves. Just like the crucifixion marks of his resurrected body (John 20:20), the wisdom Jesus gained in learning obedience became part of his future self, a wisdom by which he leads us into salvation (Hebrews 5:8–9), enthroned on high.

Therefore, learning obedience through repentance today, we are being shaped for our future life. Who you are today affects who you will become in the day of Christ’s tomorrow. Every confession of deceit today promises a truer you tomorrow, or certainly a deeper enjoyment of your true you!

So let us journey on in the blessed life of repentance. It brings us the assurance of forgiveness and the promise of who we become through it!

Today’s devotional was written by Rev. Heino Blaauw.

2020, See Ya, Bye!

31 Thursday Dec 2020

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Only a few hours left of 2020. Before we all start cheering, I think it’s important to reflect on what was so we can properly hope for what is to come.

So what did 2020 bring into our lives?

COVID-19 pandemic, quarantines and lockdowns, unemployment, murder hornets, Kobe Bryant’s death, impeachment hearings, stock market crash, Beirut explosion, Chadwick Boseman’s death, BLM, antifa, protests, riots, toilet paper shortage, masks, Zoom meetings, homeschooling, 6 feet rule, massive wildfires, Israeli peace agreement, RBG’s death, murder rates rise, church closings, no sport spectators, travel bans, Tennessee tornado, hurricanes, brexit, locust swarms, Olympics canceled, Haiti fire, earthquakes, national emergency, shootings, presidential election, national chaos, Trump tests positive for Covid, Alex Trebek’s death, UFO sightings, small businesses closing, reduced capacity, home shopping, no family gatherings, Covid vaccine, Nashville bombing.

Yes, this all happened in 2020 … and we survived! It can seem like there is nothing good to reflect upon but, with God, there is always good!

Each of us have to decide for ourselves what the good is. For me, it was a deeper relationship with my husband, a renewed appreciation for friends, a surrender of things I can’t control, and a full-time counseling job. All of these moments of “good” are the direct result of seeking God in all of the moments of each day.

God is always there with us, guiding us and loving us. But when we seek Him in the tough moments, we can see a side of the challenge that brings hope.

Over this year, I have wondered often about where the good is. Watching the news or reading the social media feeds, I have been left with a sense of doom. And I’m not alone. The clients I have met with this past year have brought profoundly deep pain. More than once, as I left my office at the end of the day I wondered, “God, am I doing any good at all?”

A couple of weeks ago, after a particularly challenging day at work, I made my way home thinking and praying about the souls I interacted with that day. Crisis after crisis and there seemed no end it sight. And then, I get a text message from a client I had seen the day before. This client is an artist and had given me a bowl they had made from wood. In the wood, there was a faint line where the wood had cracked in the creation process. This is what my client said: “I gave you that particular bowl because it was broken and I was able to put it back together and unless you look carefully you can’t tell it was broken. You do that for broken people, you counsel them and put them back together.”

That is hope. That is resilience. That is grace. That is God. And God never leaves us broken. We may be living in a broken world but, if you are a disciple of Jesus Christ, you are no longer broken! You have been made whole … even in a crazy year like 2020.

”The world seems to be in trouble, whether it’s the storms or the political problems we have in this country. The only hope for this world is God,” Rev. Franklin Graham said during an appearance on Newsmax TV’s ”Spicer & Co.”

Rev. Graham was right. Our only hope is God! I have no idea why 2020 has been so difficult. But I know God has not grown silent. He has not forgotten us. Instead, His hope abounds! But make no mistake, the only way to grasp this hope and experience its fullness is to be fully immersed in the word of God.

“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus” (Matt. 14:29).

With each new headline this year, we watched a storm brewing. And, if you were like me, there were times when you were genuinely frightened at the sheer size of the waves heading your way.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” (Matt. 14:30)

When Peter stepped out of the boat before the storm was still, he walked on the words Jesus said to him. But the moment he decided to focus on storm… the junk in our lives… he began to sink. We must choose to walk on Jesus’ words during life’s storms, even if they don’t make sense. And let’s be honest, what about 2020 has made sense? Well, God has! God not only speaks to us through the storms of life, but he also meets with us and speaks to us in the heart of the storm, when we’re at the end of ourselves and all hope is gone. Friends, it’s in those dark nights of the soul that God is found. It’s also in the bright sunny days that God is found.

As you wipe the dust of 2020 off your feet, give God thanks for what was because, friends, hope still exists. Miracles still happen. And Jesus Christ still reigns!

Happy New Year!

Revelation!

17 Thursday Dec 2020

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Lord, have mercy! We’ve made it to the end of 2020!! There were definitely times throughout this year that I wondered if the end would ever arrive. But with every difficult day, God’s promises were sustained. The sun continued to rise and set, the world continued to revolve, and we continued to put one foot in front of the other each day.

With a new year comes a new One Word. For those of you not familiar with One Word, it’s based on the book One Word That Will Change Your Life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton, and Jimmy Page. The idea is that we don’t need endless lists of goals and resolutions. Instead, if we spend time with God in prayer and meditation, He will lead us to our One Word, the word that will help define our year, our goals, and our attitude. I’ve been doing this for several years and have found that the only year it did not truly impact me was the year I chose my word instead of allowing God to choose it for me. Last year around this time, God gave me my One Word for 2020. It was uncharted. When He placed that word on my heart, he also placed Hebrews 11:8 alongside my word. “By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going.”

For a little background, in December 2019 I was serving as pastor of a church, preparing for ordination, working part-time as a mental health therapist, and serving as spiritual director for an ecumenical community. I had no idea that BIG changes were on the way. So uncharted seemed very odd to me. What do you mean, God, when you say “uncharted?” What does this verse mean for my life? Quite frankly, it was a bit scary to have such a word and verse given so boldly to me. But, alas, there it was and I knew I had to be obedient to Him.

Clearly 2020 has been uncharted for all of us in some way or another. Living through a pandemic is something I would dare say none of us had on our top ten list of things to do. We have experienced a wide variety of things we never expected: shut-downs, quarantines, protests, riots, political unrest, election uncertainties… this list can go on and on. Add to that my own challenges. I never anticipated losing my church, being canceled by my denomination, and having my ordination stripped simply because I chose Jesus over the world. I certainly never expected the loneliness, depression, anger, resentment, and isolation that would follow. Yes, it was certainly a year that could best be described as uncharted.

I received this bracelet early spring and have worn it every day. On those days when I would question God as to why, I would catch a glimpse of this bracelet with my word and be reminded as to why – uncharted. “By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going.” img_3722

So now 2021 is knocking on the door and I for one am anxious to get that door open. As difficult as 2020 has been for us all, I do have a great amount of hope in 2021. I have always believed a new year is a special thing because it’s a new opportunity to change, grow, and surrender to God.

For the past 4-6 weeks, I have been actively reflecting over my 2020 One Word while eagerly listening for my new One Word. Remember, it’s not a word you pick. It’s a word and verse given to you by God. My word for this year is revelation. Lord, have mercy! Trust me when I say that God and I have tussled over this one. Clearly, the first thing I thought when I received the word was the Book of Revelation. But praise God that is NOT what He means. How do I know? My verse was revealed a couple of weeks later.

I see what you’ve done. Now see what I’ve done. I’ve opened a door before you that no one can slam shut. You don’t have much strength, I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn’t deny me when times were rough.

Revelation 3:8

Y’all, I am not sure what it all means but I do know that God is going to be doing something quite amazing. It reminds me of Isaiah 43:18-19 — “Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it?” Think about that for a moment. God is never changing. He was, is, and forever will be. His word is as steadfast today as it was when first spoken to the prophets of old. And yet, when we are true to God, true to who He is, He creates within us something new. I find that amazing.

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God is fully aware of my failing strength throughout 2020. He is fully aware of my obedience. And now He is promising me a revelation, an awakening, a revealing of something that will altar my life. I feel like I know what is about to happen but God’s plans and my thoughts are not always (seldom actually) in sync.

Clearly, 2021 is going to be a year of revelation in my life. It’s going to be a year of obedience so that I don’t miss those things He reveals to me. It’s going to be another tough year. I have no doubt about that. When you experience revelation in your life, it almost always requires a purging of things … and sometimes people … from your sphere because you realize that they are holding you back. And that is okay.

In the discussion guide from the One Word book, a question is posed that think is a powerful one to sum it all up. “As you begin with the end in mind, think of ways that this year’s One Word might become part of your legacy…part of your life’s story. What are three things you hope others will say about you when this year’s One Word journey is over?” I know what I hope for… it’s the same thing I have hoped for since accepting Jesus Christ. I hope that people see Jesus within me. I hope that as 2021 reveals it’s new promises to me, that I am obedient only to God. And I hope that others experience a holy revelation in their own lives because they were able to see me walk through the door God opened, glorifying Him in every single step along the way.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Music For The Soul

07 Monday Dec 2020

Posted by in My Story. My Faith., The Church

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I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on earth good will to men

And the bells are ringing (peace on earth)
Like a choir they’re singing (peace on earth)
In my heart I hear them (peace on earth)
Peace on earth, good will to men

Friday night my husband and I had the privilege of attending a Casting Crowns concert at the historic Ryman in Nashville. It was a night of Casting Crowns classics and Christmas songs. I cannot begin to tell you how good it felt to be in this beautiful venue listening to live music. Although we were socially distanced and masked up, there was a wonderful sense of normalcy about the evening.

In the midst of The First Noel and Silent Night was I Heard The Bells on Christmas Day. Let’s be honest, when you are decking the halls, you are probably not singing that particular song. It’s not the song that comes to mind for most people when singing Christmas tunes, although it may be familiar to you. I have always liked the song but often put it out of my mind until I happen upon it mid-December.

So, Friday night, I’m sitting alongside my husband, enjoying these joyous sounds of the season when the band began the first haunting notes of …Christmas Day.

For those of you who have not had the opportunity to attend a show at the Ryman, the atmosphere is quite unlike any place else. Known as the Mother Church of Country Music, the Ryman was built in the 1800s. It originally opened as the Union Gospel Tabernacle by Thomas Ryman, a Nashville businessman who owned several saloons and riverboats. Ryman conceived the idea of the auditorium as a tabernacle for the influential revivalist Samuel Porter Jones. He had attended one of Jones’ revivals with the intent to heckle, but was instead converted into a devout Christian. Church pews, stained glass windows, and an intimate 2,300 seats give the audience a chance to experience the music in a spectacular way.

The first few notes seemed to bring a slight hush over the auditorium. As Mark Hall (lead singer) began to sing, something changed. I don’t know quite how to explain it but there was a definite change in the air.

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on earth good will to men

Have you ever really listened to the words of this song? I’m not sure I ever really had, even though I could sing along with the best of them on this song.

And the bells are ringing (peace on earth)
Like a choir they’re singing (peace on earth)
In my heart I hear them (peace on earth)
Peace on earth, good will to men

Originally written by Henry Longfellow in 1863, the song began as a poem. Longfellow had experienced some significant pain in his life. A father of 6 children, his wife had died after her dress had caught fire. Longfellow tried to save her, sustaining significant burns himself which caused dramatic scars and considerable longterm grief. His oldest son was injured in the Civil War, causing paralysis. On Christmas day, 1863, Longfellow could hear the church bells across the village as well as the singing of “peace on earth”. The bells and songs seemed to compete profoundly with his observation in the world of injustice and violence. How could there be peace on earth when all around him there was such despair?

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

Oh how those same words can be applied today! As Mark sang out that verse, the very presence of God seemed to overcome the Church. Before I could scarcely take a breath, emotion only available from the Holy Spirit took over and a river of tears began to fall that would not be contained. The tears fell for the disappointments of the past year. They fell for the pain caused by people I loved. They fell for the loss of church. They fell for closings and cancelations. They fell for destructions of our cities and loss of life around the world. They fell for the anger in my own heart and the hearts of all those around us. And with that, I too bowed my head in despair.

But the bells are ringing (peace on earth)
Like a choir singing (peace on earth)
Does anybody hear them? (peace on earth)
Peace on earth, good will to men

It’s difficult to describe the complete submersion into the music. I know there were several instruments playing but all I could really hear were the bells and the angelic voices as they continued to proclaim “peace on earth.” I wanted it to stop and I wanted to stay in that moment forever all at the same time. I just could not seem to contain the sobs.

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor does he sleep (peace on earth, peace on earth)
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men

And with that, hope emerged. Yes, hope has always been there but I have spent so long burying it I suppose I had failed to see how right could ever prevail again in my lifetime. I know it sounds dramatic but that has been my heart. But you see, God refuses to be silenced. He refuses to let go once you take hold of his grace. He refuses to let dark prevail even when darkness can seem quite inviting. The truth is that it has felt like the wrong would win…. or rather that the wrong DID win. I simply do not know how to heal from this year. I do not know how to trust my heart again with those around me. I do not know how to serve God with reckless abandon anymore. Then rang the bells more loud and deep. Those bells are not the ones found on church steeples. Those are the bells of the holy choir and when they invade the silence they will not be ignored. Every closed off part of your soul will vibrate from them, awakening you to something more profound than words can describe.

Then ringing singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

And the bells they’re ringing (Peace on Earth)
Like a choir they’re singing (Peace on Earth)
And with our hearts we’ll hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men

Do you hear the bells they’re ringing? (Peace on Earth)
The life the angels singing (Peace on Earth)
Open up your heart and hear them (Peace on Earth)
Peace on earth, good will to men
Peace on earth, Peace on earth
Peace on earth, Good will to men

It’s Advent. It’s an anticipation of the coming. But in that moment in the Mother Church on a Friday night the Holy Spirit came. My dear friends, don’t miss it like I almost did. Don’t miss the light of day for the dark night of the soul. 2020 is not our identity. The disappointments, the challenges, or even the loses are not the finale. Do you hear the bells they’re ringing? Peace on earth. Peace on earth.

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The Foolishness of Preaching

25 Wednesday Nov 2020

Posted by in My Story. My Faith.

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Preaching in Tanzania!

Do you feel like you’re not quite in sync with the world? Perhaps it’s just me but I feel like I’m marching to a different beat then the rest of the world. Things just aren’t quite right. Maybe it’s Covid-19 that’s causing us to feel like we are walking on a fine line. Maybe it’s the division within the country. It could be any number of things but the truth of the matter is that the world feels a bit more tilted than ever before and it’s throwing everything off balance.

If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you know I am a minister as well as a therapist. In February of this year, I left the local church and went full-time into private practice. Of course, at that time I had no idea what 2020 would bring to our lives. Due to the isolation, uncertainty, fear, and seeming hopelessness all around us, I have a very busy practice. I enjoy what I do and believe that for the most part I am helping people. For that, I am so very grateful to God for making the doors open for First Step Counseling.

Unfortunately, even with the success of the business and the love I have for each of my clients, I feel very empty inside.

Well, maybe empty isn’t the right word. Empty implies nothing. In actuality, I feel so much that it’s overwhelming. I fluctuate between sadness, anger, frustration, determination, loneliness, isolation. If it’s a feeling, I’ve likely felt it in the past nine months. Regardless of which emotion I’m experiencing there is always one constant — lost.

Some may ask, “How can you be lost if you have true faith?” It’s a fair question. I used to believe the same thing. But I have discovered that God doesn’t shy away from doubt or confusion. In fact, the Bible is full of people with doubts. Look at the disciples. They spent three years following Jesus, being taught by him, sharing meals with him, and being challenged by him. And still, he washed their feet even when they questioned. John the Baptist encountered the Holy Spirit in his mother’s womb. He heard the very voice of God Almighty proclaim Jesus as His son upon his baptism. And still, he asked, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?”

I am not asking if Jesus is the one. I know he is. My feelings of being lost, of doubt, of uncertainty stem from not knowing where I’m supposed to be.

“The Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should earn their living by the gospel.” If this is true (and I believe it is), all of the money in the world isn’t an earned living if I haven’t been earning my living by the very gospel itself. Now, I am using all I can within my therapy sessions with clients to point people to Jesus Christ and share the Kingdom of God. But it’s not enough. Jesus died for me. My part is quite simple. Serve as I’ve been called to serve.

“For it would be better for me to die than for anyone to deprive me of my boast! For if I preach the gospel, I have no reason to boast, because I am compelled to preach—and woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!” (1 Cor 9:15-16)

Did you happen to catch what Paul said here? He says that he had a need to preach the gospel. He is saying, “I’ve got to preach this. And if I don’t, I’d just as well give up.” His believed that his responsibility to preach the gospel was so great that his next breath depended upon it.

You see, a true minister of God feels a compulsion to preach the gospel. On the flipside, he or she feels a certain doom if they do not. He or she feels as though, if they tried anything else, it would be useless. And that is where the emptiness comes from that is not being filled because the ministry of Jesus Christ is a calling. To a true minister of God, it is not just a job, but a vocation that compels you forward because the truth must be preached. Quite frankly, the knowledge of the scriptures simply cannot be kept to one’s self. Withholding the Truth of God’s way is absolutely useless to anybody else; it cannot help anybody take even one step along the road to the Kingdom of God. This is why God gives ministers mouths to speak and passion to go forth.

Paul calls it “the foolishness of preaching”, but God accomplishes a great deal through it. The serious, devoted servant of Jesus Christ must do it. They just must! That’s how you know when a person walks away from ministry of their own doing, it is likely they were never really called by God. Unless God has released them from their calling, their compulsion never ends. And if the servant has not preached the truth in a long while, a “pressure” builds up after a time, and if it is not released, it explodes. The truth must be passed on because a compulsion from God Himself drives a true minister to speak the truth.

And that is where I find myself, full of pressure of the Truth that I know and cannot share. I feel as if I’m getting ready to explode. I am attending a great church full of God-fearing people and Biblically sound teachings. And yet, I can’t call it home. And I WANT to! I just know it’s not where I’m supposed to be and I am a bit angry about that. Why can’t I just serve there? Why can’t I find rest in the seats within the sanctuary? Why? Because God didn’t call me to sit on the sidelines, keeping the Truth to myself.

Unfortunately, Satan really did a number on me. I have lost some of my courage and have lost most of my friends. After the UMC cancelled me this year, I shook my fist at God several times. It wasn’t fair. I was doing what He called me to do. I was standing up to the lies within the world. I was ensuring that the words I shared from the pulpit were God’s words. And lives were being changed because of the Holy Spirit’s presence.

Y’all, I have genuinely tried to let go of the pain that the UMC has caused me and my family. It’s very hard, though. I see the way Satan is garnering more and more hold within the American churches. I see sins being glorified while Truth is erased. I grieve for the ones in the pews blindly following the false prophets. My heart breaks for the church folks who think Jesus’s entire reason for coming was to love … but without consequences. And I cry for those who genuinely feel led to serve but are pushed into serving the social justice agenda rather than the growing the Kingdom of God.

A couple of Sundays ago when we left church, I fought back tears. It was such a great sermon and the worship was deeply moving. But I felt like I was on the outside looking in, pushing God further away. Shame, guilt, sadness, and… anger just came over me. “I have failed you, God, because I have not used the spiritual gifts you have given me.” And the response… silence.

“You did not choose me, but I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit and that your fruit should remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you.” (John 15:16)

So, here I am, asking God what is next. Where am I supposed to go? Is it across town or around the world? Where is my courage, God? How do I garner the strength I found in you when I feel so weak? How do I erase the memories of the past year so that I can trust your people with my heart once again?

I have no idea what I’m supposed to do but I am certain that doing nothing is not the answer. I pray that this profound sense of emptiness … of feeling lost … will be replaced with the fruit of the spirit. For only then will I know that I am all God wants me to be and that the fruit he produces through me will truly be born again.