Category Archives: My Story. My Faith.

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Your Tears Matter

22 Monday Jul 2024

Posted by in My Story. My Faith., Pain

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I was sitting in a local coffee shop recently waiting for a friend to arrive. There were several people there laughing and chattering. As I took in my surroundings, I noticed that in between the loud laughter, they would lean in to share with one another. And on their faces, in the midst of the whispers, was an etching of pain. I could see it because I felt it, too. Not long after my friend, she asked me, “So, how are you doing really?” The lean in happened and then the tears started to fall. I can’t even tell you where they came from but in that moment, I felt both relieved and ashamed. I’m the counselor. I’m the one who has the answers. I’m the pastor. I’m the carrier of everyone else’s pain.

There is a lot of pain in the world right now. I know this isn’t surprising to anyone but seriously, there is a lot of pain. One person after another comes to me expressing pain so deep they can’t articulate it. And it too often leaves them feeling invisible, alone, forgotten.

But guess what? God sees your tears. And He sees mine, too.

I believe God put Psalm 56 in the Bible for people who feel forgotten in their pain. This Psalm says that every tear David has cried, God has placed in a bottle. It’s this intimate imagery that God is near in our hurt. The God of the universe, hearing millions of prayers at any given time, is aware of every tear that leaves your eyes.


PSALM 56:8-11

You have kept count of my tossing; put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, I shall not be afraid.

Just let that sink in for a moment. There is not a single drop that has fallen from your eye that God has not seen. Ever. Every burden, painful moment, and anxiety you have faced, God knows about it.

WHY WOULD GOD CARE?

Are you one of those people who thinks crying is a sign of weakness? Maybe you heard as a child to “stop crying.” Or, “big boys/girls don’t cry.” If crying is wrong, why do we do it? Why would God create a body so intricately made, with such amazing abilities, to have tears?Why would God create a physical response to coincide with our emotions? I think He doesn’t want us to be alone.

When I was crying on my friend’s shoulder, she wasn’t telling me to be quiet, suck it up, or that it would be okay. She just sat in the silence with arms outstretched. It was as if God Himself were there in that moment holding on. There’s a scene in the 4th season of The Chosen when Thomas is about to lose his mind in grief and Jesus is standing there. Thomas looks up and it’s as if the entire world melted away as he fell into Jesus’s arms. No words just love. It’s a beautiful scene depicting the love we can feel from God.

Think about how difficult pain is when you are alone in it. We all secretly crave for someone to walk with us in our pain; to simply be there in the midst of the heartache. But too often we try to hide it from the very people God has sent to be a support system. But it’s our tears that communicate what we often can’t say: “I need help. I need love. I need a hug.” If they speak of our pain to those around us, how much more do they speak to God?

I think Psalm 56 is important because we need to know that God isn’t a god of just words. He is a God of action. He says, “I not only see that you have pain, I am going to keep a record of it because you are that important to me.”

Is there any other god that people worship who love like that? NO! Our God tells us that He is aware of every tear we cry. And every tear we suppress because of some silly idea that we aren’t supposed to shed tears because it’s silly, weak, or foolish is simply preventing us from fully feeling the love of God through those He sends on our path.

BUT DOES HE REALLY HEAR

God is not oblivious to the brokenness in our heart. He is not apathetic to our pain; those moments when we cry out that it’s not supposed to be this way or that way. He doesn’t pick and choose which struggle or pain He will walk with us through. He’s there for it all because He understands. Because Jesus felt the hurts we feel. (Hebrews 4:13-16)

Jesus was sometimes lonely.

Jesus experienced abandonment from God on the cross.

Jesus felt the overwhelming anxiety in the garden when he was sweating blood.

Jesus lived day after day with people who doubted who He was, constantly being misunderstood.

Jesus wept at the loss of his friend, Lazarus.

In God, we do not have a king who is so lofty and above our difficulties that He scoffs at our tears with disdain. No, we have a King who has descended into the pain with us. You do not cry alone.

Jesus hears you. He sees you. He weeps with you. We have his promises to comfort us and to help us trust in the Lord when it is difficult to see the reasonings and the whys. And for those of us who know the Lord as our personal savior, when we take our final breath, we will hear with our own ears and feel on our own faces, the gentle hands of God, wiping away our tears—

Revelation 21:3-5

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying: “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.”

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Betrayal Trauma and the Church

10 Wednesday Aug 2022

Posted by in mental health, My Story. My Faith., The Church

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The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.– Psalm 34:18

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When violence, physical or emotional, is witnessed or perpetuated against someone, trauma is often the outcome. The spirit and sense of one’s very being become crushed.

For Christians, of course, trauma is of great concern.  Jesus came to heal and to bring justice, as well as to invite us into his perfect eternal kingdom, where pain and sadness no longer exist. Jesus is the one who takes dead things and brings them to life:

For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of the water of life, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes (Revelation 7:17).  

We are promised life through living water.

Therefore, all the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse and violence all around us are opportunities for our faith to provide a haven. They are also opportunities for the church to be an incubator where the very being of our personhood might come back to life again. Unfortunately, trauma is often ignored or hidden, even in the church.

Approximately 60% of the US population has experienced at least one traumatic event and 1 out of 3 will develop PTSD. It is highly likely you or someone you know has experienced trauma: physical, emotional, spiritual, or sexual.

As a Clinical Certified Trauma Professional, I spend my days walking with men, women, and children who have experienced some type of trauma. There is one type of trauma that I am seeing more of that people may not be as familiar with—betrayal trauma.

If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you’ve probably felt the sting of betrayal. Regardless of the infraction, betrayal can leave wounds. But betrayal trauma goes a step further, leaving deep wounds that can feel impossible to heal because you’ve been betrayed by someone or group you trust. Betrayal trauma is a type of trauma that refers to the pain and emotional distress that occurs when a trusted institution, loved one, or intimate partner violates someone’s trust. Betrayal trauma may occur alongside things like gaslighting and lead to anxiety and depression. However, through the grace of God and good therapy you can heal from this trauma.

Types of Betrayal Trauma

There are four different types of betrayal trauma.

  • Parental: When a parent or caretaker, someone you depend on for your needs to be met, abuses you or fails to protect you from harm.
  • Intimate Partner: When the person doing the betraying is your intimate partner. This can take place when your partner is having an emotional affair or a physical affair. If one of the partners has an active sexual addiction, there is often betrayal present.
  • Institutional: When an institution impacts you in a way that is in direct opposition to what they portray themselves to be or their stated mottos and goals. This can also occur when the institution protects the perpetrator instead of supporting the victim or “whistleblower.” This may include a religious institution, educational institution, the military, healthcare systems, etc.
  • Interpersonal: When a trusted friend, peer, or individual betrays your trust.

Betrayal trauma occurs when a person or an organization that you depend on goes outside your expectation of them in a way that is hurtful to you. The amount of trauma caused has to do with the impact on you. If your car gets rear-ended in traffic, your level of trauma may not be as profound as if you were to find out that your spouse of 20 years has been carrying on an affair with your best friend.

Betrayal trauma is the trauma that results from betrayal by a trusted person or institution. Betrayal trauma theory seeks to understand how an individual will interpret that betrayal and store it in his or her memory. This theory predicts that the more necessary a person or institution is deemed to be in a person’s life, the more likely there will be an “unawareness” or “blindness” to that betrayal. Third party observers are often left wondering, how can they not see what is happening?

We can’t blame those who are the victims of this type of trauma because too often they are unable to see it until the pain is too profound, and the damage is done. But, as Christians, we can do much more than we currently are to help in the healing process.

How can the church be The Church?

1. Be a caring community.

There is one fundamental way in which the church as the Body of Christ can be critical partners to the mental health community in a survivor’s healing journey. Trauma survivors need to be seen, valued, and connected to a caring community. The church is called to be the living body of Christ, and that is spiritual work. Because trauma survivors need to feel safe, the church commits itself to provide shalom love and gracious hospitality.

Any kind of trauma changes the body so that the traumatic experience gets trapped inside a person. The church can create an environment that gives the individual body a chance to heal.  The church and her leaders need to learn to be listeners, receiving the stories of trauma survivors. Just simply listening and bearing witness to the truth of another’s experience is a significant step in the healing process.

It’s not easy to be a listener. It can feel very heavy. But we must remember that Christ’s Light is unquenchable—and darkness can not overcome it. And that is the gift the church can give back to those in need.

2. Refuse to excuse or explain away abusive power.

Every church should develop policies that assure no tolerance for any type of sexism, abuse, or bullying. The church should have the highest ethic for treating people with respect and have the highest motivation for protecting the vulnerable. When we, as Christians, live our lives reflecting our beliefs, we become a true refuge. If we show tolerance of evil, either through our actions or words, we perpetuate the trauma and potentially drive someone away from God.

3. Have a relationship with the mental health community.

Churches that are advocates for trauma survivors preach the Gospel and have a collaboration with mental health experts. There are many things churches are good at, but mental health counseling is not one of them. Too often, spiritual leaders step out of their lane into areas they need to refer out. But when a church finds good Christian therapists who are clinically licensed, they are exhibiting the love of Christ but ensuring the best for the ones in need.

4. Encourage people to talk to Jesus about their pain, trauma, abuse, and healing.

It’s so heartbreaking to talk with those who have experienced betrayal trauma and they are unaware they can rely on God’s strength. Churches should encourage constant communication with God. And it’s truly quite simple to have prayers and verses available to give to those who are in need but don’t know where to even begin.

  • A trauma victim’s prayer: Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings, I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by. Psalm 57: 1
  • A trauma victim’s hope: God sustains me in a desert land, in a howling wilderness waste; God shields me, cares for me, guards me as the apple of his eye. As an eagle stirs up its nest and hovers over its young; as it spreads its wings, takes them up, and bears them aloft on its pinions, the Lord alone guides me. Deut. 32: 10-12a 

In Colossians, Paul wrote to those who believe:

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life is revealed, then you also will be revealed with him in glory. (Col. 3:3-4)

The trauma survivor is not crushed. Within the survivor is a life hidden with Christ and in God. That is a powerful reminder of the hope and healing that comes from God Almighty. The church can provide sanctuary, a place hidden with Christ in God for all who have suffered from any type of trauma.

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.” — Psalm 107:13-16

Lamenting in Faith and Suffering

24 Friday Jun 2022

Posted by in My Story. My Faith.

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It’s been nine years to the month when life seemed to just bottom out. Nine years. It’s really hard to believe that nearly a decade has passed. It’s even harder to believe that I find myself here once again.

In June 2013, my family and I received the news we were really hoping to avoid. Not enough of an income meant we would lose our forever home. It was such a horrific blow. That house was the place of so many firsts for us. It was our safe place. Our memory-holder. Our home. And we could no longer call it ours. Earlier in that year, my husband had lost his job and had been unable to secure employment since then. I was working but a therapist makes peanuts so my paycheck couldn’t keep up with the monthly expenses. We were forced to wave the white flag.

I remember going through different waves of emotions. Why was this happening? Where was God? When would it end? We lost several friends during that time whom we believed were true and solid in our lives. But some people don’t like messy. And we were definitely messy during that point. On the other hand, we also discovered some friends we never really knew we had. People who walked with us in our messiness and didn’t mind getting a little dirty along the way. And we saw God. Often.

It was a very difficult time. I can remember literally counting coins in order to pay for things we needed but then out of blue, in the most difficult of moments, God provided. There were times when I wondered if we would ever feel anything other than sadness again and then God would give me a glimpse of the joy I possessed deep within because of Him. It was a long road.

But time goes on. The sun kept shining. The earth kept spinning. And we eventually found our way back to a place of normalcy. We stopped merely surviving and began living again. And we were very thankful to God, giving Him all of the glory for the successful climb out of our deep pit.

Somewhere during this past decade, we lost sight of an important lesson Jesus taught. Just because we’ve already been through a trial, that didn’t exempt us from future trials, no matter how close we walk with Jesus Christ.

In Matthew 5:45, Jesus said, “{God} makes the sun rise on both good and bad people. And he sends rain for the ones who do right and for the ones who do wrong.”

If you are anything like me, that isn’t a verse you spend a lot of time on. I mean, seriously, I’m a good person and do the right thing so God’s sun will shine on me, right? Yes, but so will the rain… and wind… and the thunder and lightning. The bad doesn’t stop just because the good is there. As Jesus said, “In the world, you will have tribulation…”

Unfortunately, I was not prepared for more tribulation in my life.

Last week, my husband’s work contract came to an abrupt end. No warning. No time to make plans. Just an ordinary Wednesday that would become a mass of chaos with one phone call. “And he sends rain for the ones who do right and for the ones who do wrong.”

Blessings surround me.

I see them.

I give thanks for them.

But… I’m angry.

I cannot count the number of times I have said to God, “I love my life. Thank you.” After the turmoil of 2013, life was pretty simple but very good. We were able to buy a home after house-hopping for a few years. It’s a cute little house nestled into some trees on a hillside. We’ve made some renovations and put lots of love into it. It’s become our home and we love it. We’ve managed to take some family trips to the coast. That’s always been my favorite getaway. We go out to eat more than we should and we buy things we definitely don’t need. But it has been a pretty simple life over these past few years.

I am a business owner and really proud of the work I do in the mental health field. Honestly, I give away a lot more than I make. I love my patients and desire to point them to God in the midst of the struggles they are in. My husband poured his heart and soul into his patients. It was a specialized practice focused completely on substance abuse treatment. His passion for it comes from his experiences surviving it. He didn’t just see his patients, he empathized with them. He listened and he gave them hope. Between the two of us, we spent most of the past few years dedicating our lives to serving God by serving his hurting world.

So the question that immediately sprung to my mind upon hearing the news was, “Why God?”

It’s too easy to get into the mindset that the bad stuff can’t touch me because we’ve already had our fair share of it. How completely vain for me to think that. What promise has God ever made that the bad stuff has a limitation? None! And yet, I was walking through life as if I was somehow immune of any further tribulation.

C. S. Lewis said, “There is no such thing as a sum of suffering, for no one suffers it. … If tribulation is a necessary element in redemption, we must anticipate that it will never cease till God sees the world to be either redeemed or no further redeemable.” (The Problem of Pain).

And there it is. Tribulation is necessary and my family is definitely not immune. But dang it, it is hard to live in the constant void of the unknown. It’s difficult to describe what it’s like. There is just a constant feeling of walking a high wire over a bottomless cliff.

“I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.” Psalm 6:6-7

For several years I cried this lament daily. I felt David’s anguish when he said, “My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night,I find no rest.” And to be honest, I’m not real thrilled about experiencing that anguish again. Unfortunately, you can’t stop this stuff from coming. And with it comes anger and even some doubt.

I may feel David’s cries of “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” and think, “I should not feel this way! I am losing my faith!”But my lament is in good company with our spiritual fathers and their faith journeys.

In the Scriptures, faith is not simply an intellectual feeling. It is the trusting of my entire being to God. At times, we all will likely experience God’s absence; and right now I certainly feel alone and confused. So doubt creeps in.

But praise be to God, doubt is not opposed to faith; despair is. When the father in Mark 9 brought his son to Jesus for healing, Jesus encouraged the father to have faith. He replied, “I do believe, help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). Yes. That is the conflict.

Even Saint Paul tells us he was “perplexed, but not driven to despair” (2 Corinthians 4:8). In despair we give up on our relationship with God. Doubt, on the other hand, is a sign that our faith is alive and kicking; it is part of the rhythm of faith itself.

Lament is not a failure of faith, but an act of faith. We cry out directly to God because deep down we know that our relationship with God counts; it counts to us and it counts to God.

Even if I currently do not experience the closeness of God I want to feel, I believe that God does care. Even if God seems not seem to hear, I believe that God is always within shouting distance. In the Scriptures, God does not say, “Do not fear, I will take away all the pain and struggle.” Rather, He says, “You have no need to fear, since I am with you” (Genesis 26:24; Exodus 3:11-12; Matthew 14:27).

In this light, the “cursing psalms” make sense. They have often been a particular stumbling block. We need to recognize, first, that they are clearly spoken out of great pain and distress. The feelings are really in the psalms, and at times they are really in us.

God, this is the way I feel; I leave it to you. And even though God has never been known to do what I want or when I want it, I know the only way through this tribulation is to let God deal with it.

Although right now I can truly relate to many of the psalms and the anguish they spell out, almost all of the lament psalms end on a sudden turn to praise. We can’t leave that part out. It is only after we lament, after we face and express the pain and negativity and get it all out, that healing can begin. In more theological terms, we can say that it is only by facing and going through the death that we can come to new life, to resurrection.

The structure of lament tells us that it is possible to praise too soon. The psalmist takes the time to let all the pain and anger out before the praise can set in. So, today, I am not really ready to praise. But I will. I always do. He is forever faithful in his mercy and grace.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10) This will be my praise. This is always my praise.

Please Don’t Say It…because I already know.

01 Sunday May 2022

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Just don’t say it. I know it’s meant to help. But seriously, don’t say, “You’ll be ok.”

Don’t say, “You must be so excited.”

Don’t tell me, “He is going to be just fine without you. You raised him well.”

Don’t give me platitudes about all of the reasons I should be happy, rest easy, or celebrating. I know all of this! But the truth is, I just can’t yet. I am not being silly. I am not being overprotective. And I’m not forgetting to count my blessings.

The truth is that all of these lasts are hitting me really hard and it hurts. It just hurts a lot.

My little boy is graduating.

Kindergarten Graduation
Senior Picture

Eighteen years ago I brought this tiny little human into the world, knowing his entire dependency rested upon my shoulders. I loved him before I knew him and the moment I felt his first little nudge, I pledged to move mountains for him. And now, he is leaving my nest and it is hard; very hard. Someone said that, “it’s not the end of the world” and I know that but it is the end of so very much.

That smile still can melt my heart!

It is the end of hearing the pecking of the keyboard as he fights to save the virtual world. It is the end of late night pizza cooking in the oven. It is the end of belly laughter as he and his friends solve the world’s problems. It is the end of soccer balls being kicked around the house. It is the end of hearing his footsteps as he comes down the stairs. It is the end of late night talks as he lays across my bed.  It’s the end of so much.

As I think about the future, I realize that even when he comes back, he won’t really be coming back. It’ll be a quick visit but nothing more.

He will be here but he will have one foot out the door.

College is going to offer him so much. New experiences that I’m not a part of, new friends whom I won’t know, and new challenges that I won’t always understand. He has always marched to his own beat but at least I knew the beat.

I have spent his entire life knowing where he was, what he was doing, who he was doing it with. His school was an extension of our circle. I knew his friends and their parents. His teachers were always a call away. I could sleep soundly because I new he was safe just down the hall. I knew he would be in church with me every week and would give God thanks over his food. I knew when he was hurting, when he was content, and when he needed to just be. I just knew. Now, I won’t know. I won’t know that he had rough day. I won’t know what his professors think of him. I won’t know if he can’t sleep or doesn’t feel well. I won’t know whose car he is getting into or dorm he is spending time in. I just won’t know.

I understand the concept of failure to launch. I’ve worked with several young adults on that very thing so I get the importance of letting him go and trusting in his foundation. I know that he will be successful. He already has proven his abilities in so many ways. But I also still see that little boy who would run to momma when he heard a loud noice or needed to kiss his booboo away. I still see a young boy who would spend hours building legos, tuning out the world around him when his young world was falling apart. I still see the young man who had his heart broken and just sat with me without saying a word. I know he survived all of it.

I also know that my heart is breaking into tiny little pieces at the thought of him leaving and the silence that will stay around.

The first of many lasts.

Someone asked me the other day if I’m ready for the next chapter in my life. What exactly does that mean? The life we have shared for over 18 years isn’t a chapter, it’s a book. It’s adventure. It is spiritual. It is funny and real. But that book is ending after 18 chapters. What comes next is a mystery and I’m not that thrilled to start writing it just yet.

Confirmation

My husband and I have spent 18 years loving, raising, teaching, and disciplining this miracle God trusted us with. I read somewhere that “to have a child, a body changes. It needs more sleep. It grows and adapts. To let go of a child as they transition into adulthood, a body changes, too. It cries and it grieves and it feels weightless and heavy at the same time.” Saying goodbye to my son is much harder than all the sentimental sayings make it seem. Because that’s what going to college is. It’s goodbye. And it’s trusting that I did everything God expected me to do to prepare him for this complicated, merciless world.

I know that in time, it will be ok. It’ll be better than ok because I’ll see him flourish into the man he dreams of becoming while continuing to grow from the roots planted from God.

See, I am doing a new thing!

    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

Isaiah 43:19

He is doing a new thing. And it’s going to be amazing to see the new thing that God does within my son’s life. But letting him go it isn’t easy to do. I think of John 16:33 and grow still with worry.  “In this world you will have trouble.” But I can’t forget the rest of the verse.  “But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I don’t want to go from knowing everything in his life to knowing very little but at least I can rest in the knowledge that God does know. I can’t go from seeing him every day to the occasional text, call or visit. But I can pray fervently for him, trusting that the Holy Spirit will speak to his heart. I can’t go into his crazy, messy room and be okay with not making sure he cleans it up or throws away the multitude of water bottles. But I can trust that he will hear my words when he can’t find his favorite hoodie. I can’t do any of the things that involve my son not being in my house, under my roof and under my protection. But God can and will because He has gone behind him, before him, and sometimes even carries him. I can’t do these things without pain and sorrow and tears. But God can.

So I will do it. I will hug him. I will triple check that he has everything he needs. I will hug him again. And then I will let him go off into his new world.

I. Will. Do. It.

But I will cry. I will worry. I will wish with every fiber of my being that I could turn back time. I will grieve for that little boy while also rejoicing in his future. I will wish and pray and….hurt.

The day will come when I will find a new place in his life. I will always be his momma. He will always be my little boy. There will be new experiences and new memories. I’ll get to celebrate his successes and support his hard choices. I will be joyful in hope; patient in trouble; and faithful in prayer. I’ll be there always…but in a new way.

But for now, just don’t say it will be ok.

The Gift of Good-bye

24 Sunday Apr 2022

Posted by in My Story. My Faith., The Church

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skinny teen walking on sunset road
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God’s various gifts are handed out everywhere; but they all originate in God’s Spirit. God’s various ministries are carried out everywhere; but they all originate in God’s Spirit. God’s various expressions of power are in action everywhere; but God himself is behind it all. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits. All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful:

wise counsel

clear understanding

simple trust

healing the sick

miraculous acts

proclamation

distinguishing between spirits

tongues

interpretation of tongues.

All these gifts have a common origin, but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God. He decides who gets what, and when. — 1 Corinthians 12: 4-11

This morning, as I was sitting in church, the pastor said something that has resonated with me all afternoon. He was talking about the importance of truth in the midst of today’s culture. It seems as though even self-proclaimed Christians are denying Jesus, ignoring the inerrancy of the Bible, conforming to sin, and living spiritually reckless lives. He mentioned that many Christians know about the nine gifts we are given according to scripture but we are likely unfamiliar with the tenth gift; that is the gift of goodbye. Now he was saying that with a bit of humor because that isn’t listed in 1 Corinthians 12. But as I’ve thought about it, I do believe it is a gift God gives us.

Jesus and the man

The Gospel of Mark tells us the story of a man who encounters Jesus. This man ran up to Jesus and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

This man clearly knows the importance of God’s kingdom and he understands that it is Jesus who holds the answer.

The man is focused on the right thing but he mistakenly thinks he has all the power to make it happen. Jesus obviously sees this discrepancy in the man’s question versus his heart.

“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”

The man is eagerly agrees with Jesus: “Teacher . . . all these I have kept since I was a boy.”

He has worked hard; he has kept the rules; he has tried his best. It all looks good on paper. He is probably thinking he has this wrapped up and well on his way to the heavenly promised land.

Then an amazing thing happened. It’s easy to overlook it. Scripture says, “Jesus looked at him and loved him.”

Read that again.

This is the only man in the entire Gospel of Mark whom we are explicitly told Jesus loved. And that’s startling given what the love of Jesus looks like in this story.

 Jesus loves this man too much to allow him to continue in his self-deluded little world that says his hard work is the way to God. Jesus refuses to invite this man into further ego-driven beliefs that just because he has checked off all the necessary boxes, he is on the narrow path to God’s kingdom. Instead, Jesus issues a command.

In scripture, Jesus often spoke in parables. It wasn’t always easy to understand the basic point but not in this case. Jesus was direct and incredibly clear. And with this one command, Jesus undermines the whole foundation on which the man has built his life.

“One thing you lack,” [Jesus] said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

No negotiation, no misunderstanding. He must sell everything.

At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

And there it is. The crux of the man’s story. He had great wealth. Why is that important? Because Jesus demands it all. That is the command. Period. It’s not just a hard command. It’s impossible, and it was supposed to be.

It’s an important moment because Jesus loves the man—and he lets him walk away. Jesus doesn’t chase after the man or change the rules. He simply says good-bye.

Jesus demands it all.

True then. True now.

Why would Jesus make the price so high? Why would Jesus demand something that can’t be done? Not because he’s cruel and harsh, but precisely because Jesus is love.

You see, the man had reduced God’s commands to something he could achieve. It was like a daily checklist that needed to be accomplished. He couldn’t see that this wasn’t about works but rather it was about the heart. If the man had simply surrendered to Jesus in that moment, he could have honestly said to Jesus, “I can’t do it alone.” But his identity was wrapped up in things of the world therefore there was no place for Jesus in his life. Not truly.

So, how does this relate to today and even the “gift of good-bye?”

Think back to what Jesus said to the rich young man. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor.” It’s easy to react to that: Of course he doesn’t mean I should do that. That would be ridiculous and impractical. He was only talking to that man. He just means I should be more generous. Yes, I think I can manage to be a bit more generous. I don’t have to actually suffer.

And that’s precisely the problem. We find a solution to the problem of obeying the commands of God—but we aren’t obeying Him at all. We decide what scriptures to live by and what scriptures to ignore. We decide that things, places, events, people are much more important than our relationship with God. We affirm sin and water down hard words of God to avoid upsetting people. We cling to traditions instead of God’s Laws. Our lack of obedience to God is exactly why Jesus said to the man, “Go, sell everything you have.”

Every command found within the pages of Scripture will expose your worldly anchors if you stop and listen. It is uncomfortable. It is hard. But it is there, in that authentic place, that you will truly learn to whisper those two little words: I can’t.

I can’t continue making the choices I’m making. I can’t continue hanging with the wrong people. I can’t continue to water down my beliefs. I can’t.

Two and a half years ago, I said, “I can’t.” I could no longer be part of a denomination that denies the divinity of Jesus Christ. I could no longer keep quiet about the way God was being pushed out of that worldly institution. I could no longer serve alongside those who mock God by claiming He makes mistakes. I fell to my knees and said, “I can’t.” And in that moment, the Holy Spirit gave me the gift of good-bye.

“And if no one will … even listen to what you have to say, leave that place, and once outside it shake off the dust of that place from your feet. Believe me, Sodom and Gomorrah will fare better in the day of judgment than that place.” — Matthew 10:14

Shaking off the dust of some place or someone you love is not easy. But without the gift of goodbye, given by the Holy Spirit, it is not possible. I’ve watched as several people I know and love have embarked on these good-byes within their own lives. It’s heartbreaking but also freeing. The more you push away from the world and all that it stands for, the closer Jesus Christ is to your every breath. Jesus showed us how to love, even to the point of good-bye. And sometimes it is through our good-bye that we show the most love of all.

What about you? Are you like the man, clinging to the riches of your world? Do you find the comfort of disobedience easier than the discomfort of giving it all away? Perhaps it is time for you to say, “I can’t” so you too can receive the gift of good-bye.

Get Out Of My Head

16 Wednesday Feb 2022

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The alarm clock’s obnoxious chime alerts me that it’s time to get up for another day. After trying to figure out a way to stay nestled in my warm bed, I finally push myself up knowing what’s next. I head to the bathroom where I remove everything that might weigh even the slightest bit and step on the scale. I catch myself holding my breath in anticipation of the number that will flash on the display. Just maybe this morning will be the morning when the number goes down. Maybe somehow, overnight, the weight loss fairy removed those unwanted pounds.

But no. The scale taunts me with the blaring truth that the number refuses to go in a downward direction. So I vow to do better in between the verbal assaults I lay upon myself. I won’t eat lunch today. I’ll throw out those chocolates. I’ll exercise as soon as I get home from work. And my resolve soon fades as my hunger overtakes my resolve.

The next morning, the alarm wakes me to another day. I crawl out of my warm bed and head to the bathroom where I remove off everything that might weigh even the slightest bit and step on the scale.
I hold my breath in anticipation of the number that will flash on the display. Maybe this is the morning. But once again, it isn’t.

Another day of promises. Another day of verbal assaults. This has become my life. And I absolutely hate this continuous shadow that never seems to leave. My life is consumed with what to eat and what not to eat. The guilt surrounding nourishment is enough to push my choices in all the wrong directions. And the thoughts I have about myself, my appearance, and my lack of willpower are tremendously destructive. I can’t seem to get back to the place I once was where I look in the mirror and see more than the physical person looking back at me. Instead, I see ugly, disgusting, fat, lazy, unwanted, unworthy, and without purpose.

Let’s be honest, these thoughts, they have nothing to do with food. I can go for days without eating and I still won’t feel any better about myself. Because I’m never going to be skinny enough, or pretty enough, or good enough … there will always be someone I feel I don’t measure up to. These thoughts are straight from Satan himself. He knows my weakness. He knows the things that I have placed before God and he uses those things to create a deeper crevasse between me and God.

It’s actually quite amazing how much power a thought can have. It can start out as something small but if left alone, it grows into something profoundly destructive. If you don’t take these thoughts captive, they will consume you. So you must decide right now, today, to change the story of the battle for your mind. 2 “Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” — Corinthians 10:5.

IT’S TIME TO BE INTENTIONAL

Let’s start with identifying any thought that is deceptive. In other words, is the thought harmful or helpful? Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable but that doesn’t make it harmful. I’m overweight. It’s negatively impacting my life. It’s not a happy thought but it’s not a harmful lie, either. For me to say that I’m overweight and therefore unloveable is a harmful lie. But it’s a thought I’ve had more than a little and even believed way too often. It’s easy to coddle the thoughts that enter your mind. You have to examine that thought and say, “Hmmm. I’m not sure I can let you stay in my mind because I don’t see any evidence that you’re lining up with the word of God. And if you’re not aligned with His Word, then He didn’t plant this thought in my head.”

This is probably the hardest thing we are asked to do. Taking thoughts captive if they don’t align with the Word of God is hard because we typically trust ourselves. We trust the things we think and do. But we can’t just blindly trust that every thought is truthful. Too often, Satan is using our own insecurities to create spiritual doubt. That’s why we have to be intentional in our every thought.

Next, we need to change the narrative of our story. If my story doesn’t include constant fighter verses, then my story is not in alignment with God’s story. I’ve always struggled with memorizing verses but I think that’s because I didn’t fully understand the importance of having those words tattooed on my soul. But God’s Word is the sword we’ve been given to battle the enemy. If we don’t use His Word, we will lose the battle every single time. Memorizing scripture allows me to exchange the deceptive thoughts for thoughts of truth.

In Lysa TerKeurst’s new book, I’ll Start Again Monday, she said, “I had to get honest enough to admit I relied on food more than I relied on God. Food was my comfort, my reward, my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress and sadness and even in times of happiness.”

It was like she read my mind. And I hated this truth so much but it’s the exact thing I have been doing. For two years I’ve wondered in the dang wilderness, trying to battle these harmful thoughts alone. And honestly, the enemy has been winning. So, no more “starting again on Monday” thoughts. No more embracing my thoughts without comparing them to God’s Word. And no more putting food before God.

Praying before every meal isn’t enough. Pray about everything you eat. Ask God: “Please remove this craving of anything unhealthy so that I only crave you.”

There will be lots more tears and many more mornings of holding my breath as I wait to see the number on the scale. I’m exercising and trying to follow a nutritional plan; even going to see the doctor soon in order to ensure I’m doing everything I can to be healthy and honor the body God has given me. I’m also trusting that God will keep my thoughts healthy and will remove the false lenses from my eyes so I can see the woman He created rather than one I’ve come to loath. I’m a work in progress and thankful for the grace that comes from my creator.

In This Chair

12 Wednesday Jan 2022

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There is just something about this chair. It’s the place where a thousand tears have been shed and laughter has been shared. It’s big enough to curl up in and comfortable enough to stretch out freely. This chair is the safe place people have come to in order to heal. It’s the uncomfortable place people find themselves when they need to be challenged.

It’s tough being a therapist’s chair. It’s a lot of responsibility. It must be comfortable enough to ease someone’s anxiety. It must be strong enough to hold their burdens. It must be firm enough to hold them up when they can’t find the strength. It must be water resistant to catch all of the tears. And it must be completely silent in order to hear the desperate whisper of a broken heart.

Oh the stories this chair could share.

In this chair, people tell their therapist everything. The things they are proud of and the things that overwhelm them with shame. And while sitting in this chair, it can seem like just talking isn’t enough. Yet, on the way home, your heart feels so much better.

There’s just something about this chair.

This chair has cradled the cries of the world in its methodical rocking. And as I’ve listened to these cries, I can’t help but extend a piece of me to each fractured heart. I pray with each person that they will feel God’s presence and healing as they share, cry, laugh, and sometimes scream in the silence of their soul.

The last several weeks, this chair has worked overtime. There has been so much pain here. As I listened to a patient share immense desperation, I could feel my heart literally breaking. I think I may have even taken a quick breath just to assure myself my heart still worked. And if this is what I’m feeling, imagine what God must be experiencing. He feels all we feel; experiences all we experience.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” —Psalm 53:8

Someone asked me once why therapy worked. It’s because within each one of us we want to be known; we want to be heard. And that’s what therapy really is, in a nut shell. It’s one person choosing to see and hear another person, even in the midst of their darkest moment. And that’s what we want from God. We want to know He sees us and hears us. We want to be known to Him.

The crippling part of emotional pain is the isolation that comes with it. When we experience pain our natural tendency is to shut everyone out. Satan counts on us to isolate ourselves from those around us. If Satan can use your pain to separate you from Jesus Christ then he is doing his job because he is constantly looking to devour and deceive (1 Peter 5:8).

There is nothing worse than experiencing a painful season and feeling unseen. It is a crushing sensation to experience heartache and feel as if nobody cares. I know, because I have experienced this before. We fall victim and believe that our season of pain is so unique that nobody could ever relate to it and that nobody will ever understand why we feel how we do. And the longer we feel that way, the more isolated and hopeless we can become.

I cannot tell you the number of times that someone sitting in this chair has said, “No one can understand. No one can possibly know what it feels like to hurt this much.” Oh, sweet child, there is someone who knows.

(Jesus) began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” —Mark 13:33

Jesus Christ, Emmanuel (God With Us), was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. He was so deeply distressed and troubled that His sweat turned to blood. For us to ever think that our Lord and Savior cannot comprehend what we are going through is completely wrong.

Jesus knows all about pain and He knows your pain. He knows your depression. He knows your misery. He knows your thoughts. He knows your secret guilt. He knows your deepest fears. He knows you fully. Jesus is relational. He is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He heals and binds our wounds (Psalm 147:3). He is faithful and will do what He says (1 Thessalonians 5:24). Jesus is the epitome of love (1 John 4:8), He is forgiving (Matthew 18:21-35), slow to anger, gracious, and compassionate (Nehemiah 9:17). Jesus Christ, the Highest Priest and the only Savior of mankind, is all we need. In Him, there is freedom (Galatians 5:1).1

With all of the pain, self-doubt, desperation, and hopelessness that finds its way in this chair, I pray that each person also experiences the profound healing of Jesus Christ. I pray they know that God’s mercy is greater than anything the world can give. I long for each broken heart to be filled with the healing of the Holy Spirit. If you don’t feel like you can talk to God, find a chair. I promise that if it’s a good chair, you’ll have a good listener.

1Marcus Donaldson, God Knows Your Pain, 2019

What’s Your Story?

23 Thursday Sep 2021

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How often do you think about your story? You know, the bestseller novel about your life? I’m guessing, for most of us, we don’t think about our personal story that often. If we do, it’s probably just about the current events only. We forget about all the parts of our journey leading up to the moment currently occupying our thoughts.

I’m currently writing a book. And it’s all about the stories of people I’ve had the honor of knowing through my counseling practice. These are people of many different walks of life. Young, old, rich, poor. Each person has a very unique story. One of the aspects of my job is encourage people to tell their story and learn from it.

What story do you have to tell? I bet you’re thinking about it now. In fact, I would bet that right now you are thinking of moments and/or situations in your life which you haven’t thought about in quite some time. Why do you think that is? Why do we push down pivotal moments in our life which directly impact who we are today?

Well, some of these moments are painful. And most people don’t like to feel pain. In fact, that is why the prevalence of drug and alcohol abuse is so incredibly high today; people want to avoid pain. There is a desire to just be numb as opposed to feeling pain. But, friends, it is through pain that we grow in our discipleship the most.

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” — Romans 5:3-5

And that is why it is important to embrace your story… all of it. Of course it is easier to think of and talk about the moments of smooth sailing. But how often are we moved to a place of surrender to God when life is going well? For many of us, we don’t go to our knees during the good times. We should but we don’t. It’s during the trials that we find ourselves in need of strength that is beyond our abilities.

I think about my patients and their vulnerabilities when they sit in my office. Almost without fail, I see a sense of relief come upon them when they get to simply tell me their story. All of it… the good, the bad, and the parts tossed deep in the proverbial closet. And it is through the telling of their stories that they begin to heal. For you see, once you begin to see your moments… where you were, where you are, and where you are going …you can see exactly where God has been present the entire time. And that turns your story into a testimony to His glory and the healing He gives to those who believe.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” — 2 Corinthians 1:3

Take some time to sit for a while with God, asking Him to help you write your story. You will be amazed at the way His hand has always been upon you. Hopefully, you will then share your story so that others may find comfort in God’s healing mercies. You are modern day disciple. Go tell the world of the wonderful works He has done within you.

Heart-heavy but hope-filled

04 Saturday Sep 2021

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Kentucky Lake – by Janean

I don’t know about you but I’m feel pretty heart-heavy this week. I can’t really focus on anything. There seems to be so much hopelessness in the air. Let’s face it, life right now is challenging.

I’m currently sitting at the lake. It’s my place, my anchoring place. It’s where I go when I feel out of sorts with the rest of the world. So here I am, listening to the birds and insects chirp and sing. There’s a slight breeze, causing just enough of a ripple that I can hear the water lap on the bank. Occasionally a fish jumps, interrupting the calmness of the water with its chaotic splash. Even the dragonflies wings make a buzzing sound by my ears as they look for a place to light.

Peace typically finds me here. But not today. Instead, my mind can’t escape the pain that threatens to consume everyone. Just in the past month, I’ve had patients bring to me some of the most intense struggles I’ve ever worked with.

Homelessness, poverty, addiction, despair.

Loss of a child, loss of a job, loss of a home, abandonment.

Human trafficking, abuse, rape, suicide, murder.

Covid, death, Afghanistan, betrayal.

This is just in the past month!

I am a bit angry about it all, to be honest. I don’t want to see these people suffering like they are. I don’t want to know they are in a pain I can’t fix. I don’t want them to hurt.

And then God responds, “Neither do I.”

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10

It is so hard to not be afraid or to feel hopeless but God continuously tells us in scripture that He has not forgotten us. We are not without hope or healing. We are not without mercy and grace. When the world tells us that it is only going to get worse and that there is no hope to be found, God tells us that He is the hope. He is the reason we have to be joyful in the face of tribulation.

But still, I throw up my hands in frustration at the state of the world. I don’t want to be like the toddler, throwing a fit when I don’t get my way;I can’t help but wonder when it’ll all finally end. When will the pain and suffering cease? When are you coming back, Jesus? Is it now?

They stood there, staring into the empty sky. Suddenly two men appeared—in white robes! They said, “You Galileans!—why do you just stand here looking up at an empty sky? This very Jesus who was taken up from among you to heaven will come as certainly—and mysteriously—as he left.” — Acts 1:11

How easy it would be to focus on the empty sky, just waiting impatiently for Jesus to return. But that’s not our job. Instead, be alert while boldly living the life each is given.

Yes, there is a tremendous amount of pain and sadness in the world. But much of scripture is being relived right before our eyes. And with all of the despair, it is such a comfort to hear God’s word and remember that it still remains true today.

For even if the mountains walk away
    and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won’t walk away from you,
    my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.”
    The God who has compassion on you says so.

“Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
    I’m about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
    construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
    and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
    what a mentor for your children!
You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
    far from any trouble—nothing to fear!
    far from terror—it won’t even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
    don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
    nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
    who fires up his forge
    and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer—
    but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court
    will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God’s servants can expect.
    I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.”
        God’s Decree. — Isaiah 54:10-17

I’m thankful for my anchoring place. It helps me to escape the world, instead falling into the Holy Spirit’s unfailing guidance. I may struggle with carrying the pain of others but I will joyfully proclaim His healing for the pain.

Are you feeling overwhelmed? Perhaps you’re exhausted with the world and just need a respite. Won’t you allow God’s Word to embrace you, covering you like a blanket? There is nothing you are going through that He doesn’t understand. Praise be to God, He always understands.

Time To Return

23 Monday Aug 2021

Posted by in My Story. My Faith., The Church

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Therefore, the Lord proclaims:
If you return to me, I will take you back
    and let you stand before me.
If you utter what is worthwhile,
        not what is worthless,
    you will be my spokesman.
They will turn to you,
    not you to them! — Jeremiah 15:19

Wait. What did he just say?

“If you return to me…”

Why have I never heard this verse before? And why now?

I was sitting in church, only our second visit to this particular one, and the words uttered by the pastor seemed to scream at me. “If you return to me…” It wasn’t a coincidence. I actually don’t believe in them. It was a direct word from God to the core of my soul. At that moment, those words were meant for me and me alone. I felt that a spotlight was shining down on me, calling me to once again take my rightful place as a spokesman for God. Now the answer was up to me.

“If you return to me…”

To say I can be stubborn would not be completely off base. But I didn’t really consider that I was stubborn with God. I actually thought I was rather obedient. But the light had definitely been turned on to highlight my sinful ways. The truth is, I didn’t realize I had ever left God. Clearly, I had.

I was called to ordained deacon ministry many years ago for those who may not be familiar with my backstory. Coming from the Greek word diákonos (διάκονος), my calling was to mimmick that of Phoebe and Stephen, as a messenger or servant of God.

What exactly was my calling? It was mental health counseling, specifically as a Biblical counselor. Sometimes it would be in an office setting. Other times, it would be in another country. It was often trauma-related, and always spiritual. I was mandated by God to not only share the Gospel, but to also Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. — Matthew 28:19-20 I was called to deliver the message to those in need that their healing could only come from Jesus Christ.

Because of the uniqueness of my call, God set me apart to live a higher standard, thus, ordaining me before Himself and the Church. I had absolutely no desire to be ordained. But God wouldn’t leave me alone. From the time I was a young girl, I fought with God about my life and what I would do with it. Even after obtaining my mental health license, God continued to convict me in my work. I would offer people secular tools to deal with their problems, knowing in my heart that I was denying them the one thing that could ultimately heal them. In the end, I surrendered to God, knowing the tremendous amount of pressure I would face the moment I said, “yes.” Backlash from the mental health community. Isolation from peers.But most of all, I knew what it would mean on my eternal soul.

My dear brothers and sisters, don’t be so eager to become a teacher in the church since you know that we who teach are held to a higher standard of judgment. — James 3:1

After saying yes, I felt like the world took over. As with all of human history, man and God collided. I stayed quiet as I was ushered by the local church into the pulpit rather than supported within the true nature of my calling. I began to fill a role as preacher and administrator in order to please those I admired. As a consequence, God’s desire for me as His servant took a backseat in my life. This was the reality of my existence for seven years.

But God.

Oh how precious those two words are. But God intervened when I cried out to Him to rescue me from a place I didn’t really know how to escape. Leaving the local church was awful. There is no other way to say it. But it should have been freeing. Unfortunately, I focused so much on the pain that I had no room to see the freedom. And somewhere along the way, I left God. I left Him.

I never stopped believing. I never stopped loving Him or desiring Him. But I stopped being with Him. I stopped seeing Him in my life. He was there but kept at a distance. All the while, my mental health practice was growing.

I would have patients tell me that God spoke to them through me and still I didn’t reach to Him. I witnessed miraculous healing from traumas and grief. I heard many stories of newfound faith after working with me. And still, I neglected Him.

The truth be told, I was living out my true calling while ignoring the strength of my savior. No wonder I was so tired all of the time. No wonder I was so empty.

If you return to me, Janean…

So there I was, sitting in a new church and all eyes were on me as the Lord called me out. Okay, maybe the eyes of those within the building weren’t on me but I can tell you that the angels were collectively holding their breath as they awaited my answer.

So don’t be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, or of me his prisoner. Instead, share in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God. — 2 Timothy 1:8

There it was. The mandate from God, placed on my heart. It was time to pick it back up obediently and be as Christ commanded me to be. I am called as a deacon in the Church. I am to work alongside those suffering in this temporary world, pointing them to the salvation promised by Jesus Christ. I am to sacrifice my comforts, my wants, and my will for His alone. I am to share in the suffering of others for the sake of the gospel, relying on the power of God. What about you? God calls each of us in very unique and intentional ways. We don’t get to pick and choose how we are to serve. God chooses for us. Are you obedient? Or, are you ready to return to Him?

But the Lord stood by me and gave me strength, so that the entire message would be preached through me and so all the nations could hear it. — 2 Timothy 4:17