Monthly Archives: April 2020

Sundays are hard.

26 Sunday Apr 2020

Posted by in My Story. My Faith.

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

,

Enneagram type 2 Infographic

Design by celeste hillary design https://www.etsy.com/shop/madewholecollective/

Sundays are hard.

It occurred to me last night, as I was tossing around in bed, that I dread Sundays. I dread those 24 hours because they are really very hard. And because they are so hard, I find myself angry, sad, and lost.

It’s been eight weeks since I last stood in a pulpit. Eight weeks since I walked away with my head down and heart heavy because God said it was time to leave. Eight weeks of replaying the last 10 years of my life over and over in my head. Eight weeks of questioning my self-worth, my place in the world, and my witness. Eight weeks of beating myself up for failing the churches, failing the communities, and failing God. And each time Sunday rolls around, the self-loathing starts anew.

Sundays are hard.

Some of you are familiar with the enneagram. It’s been around for hundreds of years. It’s a map that helps you discover your personality on a deeper and more spiritual scale. I have found it to be very useful in my counseling practice. I am an enneagram 2 – the helper. (If you are interested in learning more, https://www.yourenneagramcoach.com is a good place to start).

Let me just say right off that bat that being a 2 is both wonderful and awful. Twos see the world through relationships and we define ourselves based upon those relationships. According to author and enneagram coach Beth McCord, the core fear of a two is, “Being rejected and unwanted, being thought worthless, needy, inconsequential, dispensable, or unworthy of love.” And our core desire is, “Being appreciated, loved, and wanted.”

Y’all, let me just say that there has never been a truer description of myself than that right there. As a two, I have discovered that I get incredible joy from helping others and ensuring that those around me feel loved. When I offer myself to another person in relationship whether personal or professional, I take a genuine interest in them and want to be of service to them in whatever way I can. But… twos often don’t know how to do that without some self-harm.

“Because (twos) are so empathetic and sensitive, the depth of need and suffering in our world is especially burdensome to (them). Twos feel that it is their job to alleviate the pain of hurting people around (them), which is an unending responsibility, ” McCord writes. “Deep down (twos) struggle to believe that others love (them) apart from the support (they) offer.”

This description sometimes hurts me more than I can say because it’s so true of how I feel and have felt my entire life. Alleviating the pain of hurting people has been the driving force of most of my life. My senior year of high school I was voted “most dependable” because people could ALWAYS count on me to be available for them no matter what else was going on in my life. When I accepted my calling from God to go into ordained ministry, I did so because I knew God was sending me out to help people who were hurting in the world. He gave me this gift of empathy and expects me to use it to glorify Him. And from the depth of my soul I have tried to do just that. I have wanted nothing more than to please God by serving others. Unfortunately, my sinfulness has allowed satan’s voice to speak too loud at times, saying, “You aren’t loved. You aren’t needed. You are replaceable. You are forgotten.” So you can imagine (or perhaps you can’t) the internal struggle I have felt since leaving the pulpit eight weeks ago. To put it quite bluntly, I fear that I have lost my value. And that fear manifests itself every Sunday.

You see, for twos, we have a tendency to put ourselves completely out there because we want to love and be loved so profoundly. That should be easy if you’re a Christian, right? We love because we are loved by God. Unfortunately, it’s not easy! And as a two, that can be a very narrow line to walk, teetering between trusting God and trusting only ourselves. It’s that trust in self that gets me into trouble.

Twos are amazing people with hearts the size of Texas but let’s be honest…we also have a dark side. And it’s that dark side that I have found myself in these past few weeks.

When you discover your enneagram type, you will also learn about your “wings.” These are the types you gravitate to during certain moments such as stress or pain. For me, I gravitate to an eight when I feel stressed. And it’s not the healthy eight attributes that come out. It’s the unhealthy and hurtful traits that begin to dominate my reactions.

McCord describes the unhealthy eight like this, “Their whole focus revolves around protecting themselves from those whom they believe are a threat to them. They do not trust people, and assume everyone has an agenda to hurt or control them. Therefore, they want to beat them to it by controlling and hurting others first. If they have been hurt by someone, they can be very vengeful in making sure the other person gets what they deserve.”

I have to admit that I really do not like this description at all. But whether I like it or not, it speaks loads of truth and has been a very hard process to study and accept. I really don’t want to assume that the people around me only want to be around me because they need something. I don’t want to believe that if I’m not “fixing” them or someone they love then I’m inconsequential to them. I detest the voice inside that says my only worth can come if I’m serving others, even if it’s detrimental to myself. Yet, Sundays tend to be an “enneagram eight” kind of day.

I have people in my practice who struggle with self-forgiveness and I am actually really good at helping them see the source of forgiveness. I can point people to Christ and watch them blossom as they learn His love is fully available to them without question. Yet, in these past eight weeks, I have found it difficult to receive my own advice. I know God’s hands are upon me. I know God’s Spirit is with me. I know God’s love is never-ending. And, still, I feel alone, angry, sad, and unloved, and find myself asking, “Who am I, God?”

At the end of last year, I did my annual evaluation of the year and reflected on my “one word.” That time always leads me to my new word. The word I was given was “uncharted.” I had no idea just how true that word would be for 2020. Right now, my life really does feel uncharted. I have no idea where I am going or what is next. I do know that am hoping for healing. I look forward to the day when Sundays are once again filled with joy and anticipation. I know these uncharted, lonely days are only a road bump in my faith journey. I may not know what’s next. I may not feel my worth. I may dread Sundays. But I know God is bigger than all of these things. I’m still not ready to look at myself in the mirror with eyes of forgiveness. I still am not able to stop the tears at 2 AM. I still replay the words that people have said that cut me to the core.

But God’s voice is getting louder.

For every kind soul you meet with a beautiful story to tell, may you know that you are worthy of being seen that way as well. — Morgan Harper Nichols

 

Reference:

McCord, Beth (2019). The Enneagram Type 2: The Supportive Advisor. Thomas Nelson Publishing. Kindle edition.

To purchase: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07YW4KJ22/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i2

 

 

 

 

Why You Need An Accountability Group

16 Thursday Apr 2020

Posted by in My Story. My Faith., The Church

≈ Leave a comment

shallow focus photo of woman using game boy

Photo by Aline Viana Prado on Pexels.com

In today’s world, there are so many different types of groups. There are mom groups and dad groups. There are groups for different occupations and hobbies. There are middle age with children and middle age without children groups. Singles groups and divorced groups. The list goes on and on. But these are primarily social groups, even if the group is comprised of Christians. And let’s face it,  there’s a big difference between “hanging out” with other Christians, and deeply connecting with them on a spiritual level. I do believe there is a place for both but, if you’re like me, you need a deep connection like never before. Scripture is so full of references to community and the importance of being with a group of like-minded individuals to walk through this life without fear of judgment or, even worse, rejection.

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 17:17

The beauty of that verse is clear – we cannot do life in the way God ordained it without friends. Just like we cannot grow in our faith if we do it completely on our own. We need others to do it in a way that enriches our lives and our relationship with the Lord.

One of my favorite pictures of the Christian community in action is of the early church as described in Acts 2:

“And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” Acts 2:42

Read it again!

Did you catch that? They devoted themselves to one another and to God. When was the last time you devoted yourself to something? No, I’m not talking about a short-term project or hobby. I’m talking about an all-consuming, life-altering devotion. I would bet it’s been a long while. I know it has for me. But the first church let God truly consume their lives. They pushed one another, studied the “apostles teaching,” spent time remembering Jesus and prayed. Oh, how they prayed together and separately. They were devoted to these things and they changed the world.

I know it sounds like a cliche but I genuinely want to change the world. But not as I would have it. I want to change the world so that Jesus Christ is glorified. But as much as I’d like to think I’m just that able, I can’t do it on my own. I NEED people who have a heart for changing the world, too. I need people like those in Acts. They were living what I long for. What about you?

“Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25

The writer of Hebrews said it best and we would do well to heed those words. Meeting together in a sanctuary is fantastic and super important in your spiritual life. It’s a time of teaching and worshipping in a larger community.  But if that is all you do, you’re missing out on the essence of the Church! And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Just imagine a world where people met together for the intentional reason of intensive prayer, study, worship, and Holy Communion. Imagine how families would change. Imagine how children would change. Schools would be impacted. Work would change. So much would be impacted by this type of intentionality. Are you getting excited yet?

Well here’s the secret. You can’t wait for someone else to do it and invite you. If you are excited about such an opportunity, you have to make it happen. You have to be the one to take the first step. If your heart started beating just a bit faster as you were dreaming of such a group, then God is likely nudging you to action.

How do you get started?

  • PRAY! And then pray some more.  God will begin to lead you to invite one or more like-minded friends to join your group.
  • Establish a regular time and place to meet. This could be weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. But it must be regular!!! There are going to be times when schedules don’t meet up. That’s okay. Set a time and stick with it. You’ll quickly discover who is putting forth the effort and who isn’t. And that is OKAY! Everyone is different and needs to be able to determine for themselves what is important.
  • If you are a parent, arrange somewhere else for your kids to be. I love children but children can make it a bit difficult to have deep meaningful discussions. The truth is, small children have a lot of needs and your attention is one of them. So, rather than feeling guilty about not having your children with you, think of this as your weekly “me-time”. I promise this will be the most valuable time of your life.
  • Decide together what your time will look like. What are your hopes and goals? And what are your absolute do’s and don’ts within your group. For me, I will not tolerate gossip. I’ve been the subject of it too much to want to put that feeling upon someone else. You and your group have to decide what your time will look like. Write it down and have everyone sign it. It’s a covenant. 
  • Specify a leader for each meeting. Otherwise, it’s way too easy to spend the entire time chit-chatting. And in the end, that’s just not as beneficial. I think it works best when people rotate. We should each have ownership in the group so there is not a primary leader. Instead, we are all in this together.
  • Be transparent. Be honest. Be raw. Encourage. Exhort. Love. Challenge. And watch God do amazing things in your lives as well as within the lives around you.

What to Do Each Week

If you are like me, you prefer to have some kind of template to go by.

  1. Catch up. How is it with your soul? 
  2. Talk about spiritual things. Did you spend time with God this week? Consistently? What did that look like? If you didn’t, why not?
  3. What struggles are you having? Confess to one another. Encourage one another. Ask questions.
  4. Goals, hopes, dreams: Check-in on goals from the previous week and set new ones. These can pertain to absolutely anything, not just time with God.
  5. Pray together.
  6. Celebrate Holy Communion. 

There are some things to be cautious about though.

Like with any good thing, there are some things that can spoil it if you’re not careful.

  • Don’t gossip. I know. I’ve already stated this once but seriously it’s very important. Gossip is not God-honoring or beneficial. In fact, it’s evil. Resolve not to do this and hold each other accountable. If it’s not your story to tell, don’t tell it.
  • What is shared in the group, stays in the group. Make this a safe environment. Keep the things confided to yourself unless there’s a very important and specific reason to do otherwise. Remember, you are in a covenant and trust is essential.
  • Listen A LOT before you offer any advice or suggestions. Listen, listen, and listen some more. I’m an enneagram 2 so I get it. Being a fixer or helper is in my DNA. But people are not always looking to be fixed. Just because someone shares about a situation that is troubling to them, it’s not a greenlight for you to fix it. Sometimes your presence is enough. Be wise in what you say. God might move you to speak into a situation, or He might lead you to keep silent, but either way, James 2:4 says, “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” and Colossians 4:6, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
  • Finally, Don’t force it. If the friendships are to be true and lifelong, it will simply happen through the study, the transparency, and the fellowship. But if you are having to force it, to work at it until it no longer serves a joyful purpose, it’s not the right group for you. And that’s okay. Keep looking and praying until you are led to the right group of people.

God has great things in store for you. He wants you surrounded by His love. And He wants you to know who you are – His!

What If It’s True?

13 Monday Apr 2020

Posted by in My Story. My Faith.

≈ Leave a comment

For six years I have stood in a pulpit on Easter Sunday and proclaimed the good news that Jesus Christ is the Messiah, the Resurrection, the Son of God. It’s been a very different Holy Week for a variety of reasons. But the most difficult part was knowing I would not be sharing the Word of God.

My beautiful family changed that.

My sister-in-law suggested we have a service on Zoom because we are all spread out across two states. I couldn’t have been more excited and honored to share the joy of the Resurrection with my family.

This is not a fancy service. It’s just us on our couch (with our cats running around). No fancy clothes. No make-up. Not a good hair day. But oh how my heart is full because God used me once again!

So… what if the resurrection is true? What if?

*Sermon illustrations from Rev. Brett Blair

The Saddest Week

05 Sunday Apr 2020

Posted by in The Church

≈ 1 Comment

a burial ground

Photo by sergio souza on Pexels.com

This morning U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams said we are entering into the “hardest and saddest week” of our lives. He was, of course, speaking about the COVID-19 pandemic. But what he didn’t realize is that his words are much more profound than simply a state on the health of Americans. The truth is, we are entering into the saddest week as Christians around the world. 

Today is known as Palm Sunday. Others know it as Passion Sunday. Either way, it marks the beginning of Holy Week, the single most important week in a Christian’s life. And it is also the most profound and difficult week we experience. Why? Because Jesus invites us to enter into His passion as he prepares to take upon himself the sins of the entire world.

Palm/Passion Sunday is always a difficult one for me because I feel as if I’m in tandem between hallelujahs and despair. Up to this point in Jesus’s life on earth, he had led thousands to the Kingdom. That was his purpose within each miracle, each sermon, each touch, each word – point the world to the Kingdom of God. People were completely enthralled by Jesus. They were witnessing miracles upon miracles. They were hearing words that no religious leader had ever said. And they were determined to follow him wherever he went. So when the time came for Jesus to enter Jerusalem, the crowds were ecstatic. He was here. Their king was here. He was going to overthrow the brutal rule of the Roman Empire and set up his kingdom. So when he entered into the city, the crowd shouted hosannas and waved palms in adoration of this man they believed would save them. 

Unfortunately, they didn’t understand just what kind of saving he would actually do. 

In most churches on Palm Sunday there is an excitement. But what is that excitement really about? Is it because we know the ending? Or is because we know that this really fun holiday is the next Sunday? What do we get excited for on Palm Sunday? Are we more like the crowds on that day 2000+ years ago, excited but unaware of who we are really celebrating? 

Nearly all the the people in the crowd threw their garments down on the road, giving him a royal welcome. Others cut branches from trees and threw them down as a welcome mat. Crowds went ahead and crowds followed, all of them calling out, “Hosanna to David’s son!” “Blessed is he who comes in God’s name!” “Hosanna in highest heaven!”

As he made his entrance into Jerusalem, the whole city was shaken. Unnerved, people were asking, “What’s going on here? Who is this?”

And the parade crowd answered, “This is Jesus.” —Matthew 21:7-11a

They knew his name. They knew he was great. But they didn’t know who he was. In fairness, neither did the disciples, not really. They simply couldn’t comprehend the truth even though they had been face to face with the Truth for three years. 

So here we are, over 2000 years later and we still struggle with the Truth. We still struggle with the answer to the question, “Who is this?” So we pull out the palm branches and we say, “Hosanna” but we ask in the depth of our soul, “Who is this?”

Yes, this is a tandem moment between joy and sorrow. This is the beginning of the most difficult and painful week of all humanity. This week in 2020 we will experience death. We will experience denial of what’s to come or even of what is happening in this very moment. We will experience anger for what seems so uncontrollable. We will experience loss. The Surgeon General was absolutely right, this is the beginning of the saddest week. But not because of COVID-19. Rather, this is the beginning of the saddest week because we are walking towards Calvary. 

Don’t skip over the depth of what this Holy Week means. Don’t jump from the Hosannas to the Hallelujahs without the demands of the crucifixion. His passion is meant for each one of us to embrace, experience, and exhale. A lot will happen in this holiest of weeks, both then and now. May you, too, find yourself in tandem between the joy and sorrow. 

We are resurrection people but we can’t have a resurrection without a death. There is no Easter without Good Friday. 

Praise be to God!