Monthly Archives: November 2011

Dating your spouse

18 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by in My Story. My Faith.

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Remember what it was like when you first began dating your spouse-to-be? The excitement and discovery of the other person was a feeling unlike any other. If you are like me, you spent much of your time putting on your best “face”, so to speak. The last thing you wanted was for this wonderful person to discover the “real you”.

Ultimately, you begin to peel off those fancy layers and become comfortable with him/her. But all of the layers don’t come off until after the marriage begins. It’s then that we are supposed to be able to completely be ourselves. We have found the one person in the world who loves us and has committed to be by our side “until death do us part.”

Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

Divorce in this country is reaching a staggering rate. According to The State of Our Unions, 45 percent of all marriages end in separation or divorce. It has simply become too easy to bail on the marriage instead of digging in and doing the hard work it takes to make a marriage last. Often our fantasy of “happily ever after” clouds the real view of what marriage is. So, what can we do?

We must look at marriage differently. We must stop looking at marriage as a temporary relationship and begin to see it as a covenantal relationship.

Covenantal relationships are binding to us. They are not something meant to be broken. If you look at the history of covenants throughout the Bible, you will see that these are eternally binding “agreements”. In Tim Keller’s book, The Meaning of Marriage, he says “in a covenant, the good of the relationship takes precedence over the immediate needs of the individual.” Whoa! Does this mean that my needs are not always the most important needs within the relationship? That is exactly what it means! Keller goes on to say that marriages today simply are lacking in commitment. “Today we stay connected to people only as long as they are meeting our particular needs at an acceptable cost to us.” After that, we tend to bail.

The Bible sees marriage different and, as Christians, we must re-evaluate our look at marriage. We must begin to see it as the deep covenant that it is meant to be. As I said earlier, covenants are found throughout the Bible. What makes marriage so different is that it is a covenant between, not only the man and woman, but also between the couple and God. Malachi 2:14-15 says:

God was there as a witness when you spoke your marriage vows to your bride, your covenant wife. God, not you, made marriage. His spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. So guard the spirit of marriage within you.

So looking at marriage with those words in mind, it is much more intimate because it involves the Lord.

You might ask, then, how to deal with marriage when things are seemingly without hope. First, you must pray. Prayer opens the door for God to come in. Since God is the one who made marriage, He is the only one who can bring healing within marriage. He won’t enter into the marriage, however, if you do not invite Him in. So pray! The best marriages are built on prayer and faith. If not, it is built on sand, just waiting to crumble and wash away.

Marriage is a work in progress. You cannot just set it aside and hope it flourishes the way you want it to. You must spend time working and cultivating it. There will be times that one spouse seemingly does more then the other. Do not allow yourself to think such things. Remember 1 Corinthians 13:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Read that last line again. “But keeps going to the end.” The end is not when we say it is because we did not create marriage. The end is when God says it is.

One of my favorite exercises with clients is implementing the “date night”. I know. I know. Date night is not a new idea. Unfortunately, many couples do not practice this idea, even though they have heard it for years. But dating your spouse is significant. As we journey through this life, we all change dramatically. Whether you have been married one year or 50 years, you are not the same person you were on the day you said “I do.” For that reason, we have to spend time dating our spouse in order to fully know him or her.

I knew a couple who experienced infidelity within their marriage. They decided to give the marriage another try because they believed their love was strong enough to withstand the hurts. The first thing they both had to do was mourn the loss of the person they were married to. That couple is gone. The innocence that once surrounded them was shattered by the infidelity. Instead of trying to get back to the way things once were, they mourned then began “dating” this new person they were married to. They had to learn to love again.

I know that we can all become complacent within our marriages. But we should never be less then what God requires of us. Genesis 2:24 says:

a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.

But God doesn’t stop there. In Matthew 19:6, He says,

so they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate.

There is a quote by Elizabeth Elliot that really sums up today’s marriage. It says, ” the love life the Christian is a crucial battleground. Therefore, if nowhere else, it will be determined who is Lord: the world, the self, and the devil—or the Lord Christ.”

Lord, I pray that you hear our hearts, and help us to understand our marriages. You know us, Lord, and know exactly how to help us. Please show us the path you want us to make, and help us to see that we are not the marriage. Help us to love our spouse in a way that is pleasing to you. Amen.

Forgiveness… Is It Really Possible?

01 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in My Story. My Faith.

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Have you ever been harmed by another person? Maybe it was physical. Maybe it was emotional. Either way, you were hurt. How did you respond? Did you forgive the person or hold on to your anger and resentment? Our natural instincts are to recoil and go into self-protection mode. As Christians, we are to respond differently. Unfortunately, pouring out love and grace to the person who harmed us is not an easy move to make.

Forgiveness is such a simple word yet the complexities of the act of forgiving are quite difficult. Forgiveness is defined as

the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

So what does that mean? Probably something different for each person who reads it. We like to think we can forgive rather easily. In fact, many of us throw the word around quite casually. But if we really look at how forgiveness works within our lives, we would embrace the deep meaning of forgiveness in a much more intense and purposeful way.

The Bible says in Colossians 3:12-14:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and early loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I really love this because it is a direct order about what to do when we have been wronged. “…clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” The fact is, we can expect failure and hurts from even the most incredible people. But there is no failure that can trump the grace God has promised us. If we all “clothed” ourselves as God directs, we would not feel the weight of the world on our shoulders like we do. Marriages would be more solid. Friendships would be repaired.

So how do we go about forgiving? In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asked how many times could his brother sin against him and he forgive. The Lord answered.

I tell you, not as many as seven but 70 times seven.

I don’t know about you but I find forgiving one time to be difficult, depending on the situation. I used to hang on to my anger and resentment like a badge of pride. Even today, I might cross paths with someone and realize that I have held on to a resentment for far too long. The problem is, we all want to be right. But being right isn’t as important as being merciful. God showed mercy on each of us when he forgave us our sins. In the Lord’s prayer, which many of us recite weekly, if not daily, we say, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us….” Read that again. If we really understand that line, we are saying to God, “forgive me like I have forgiven.” I don’t know about you, but that’s not how I want to be forgiven by my Lord and Savior. I want to be completely forgiven for my failures and sins. I want God to see me with loving eyes and know that I am doing what He wants from me. So, if I withhold forgiveness, I’m asking God to do the same.

So to clothe ourselves in compassion is, literally, to fully bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior, according to Strong’s Hebrew and Greek Dictionary. We must start by forgiving what is inferior to our standards. We have the right to expect certain behaviors. But we must also expect failure from time to time. By doing so, we give up the demands we place on other people and they no longer have to live up to an expectation set by us. Second, we must remember that we are not morally superior then the person who has harmed us. Only one has walked the Earth who is morally superior. Other than Jesus Christ, we are all equal in our inferiority. So, by stepping off the soapbox, we can begin to see that we cannot out-sin God’s ability to forgive us. How awesome is that?!

How do we deal with someone who refuses to forgive us? We love them. In recent months, I reached out to someone I had sinned against. I had judged this person unfairly and he knew about it. After asking God for help and strength, I stood before this person and offered my apologies. It wasn’t easy because I didn’t like the feeling of having my pride hurt. But I knew that it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, this person did not accept my apology. In fact, when I see this person now, he does not speak. He does not look me in the eye. There is no forgiveness. At times, I find my anger rise about that. What I have to remind myself during those moments is that sometimes we have to forgive and then forgive again and again. I cannot control his feelings or behaviors (as much as I would like to, at times). Instead, I can only control my own reactions. I have failed, at times, Sometimes, I’m just as cold as he is. That is not what God wants.

Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons (and daughters) of your Father in heaven.

Yep, you read it right. You are supposed to pray for your enemies. Hard, isn’t it? With the grace of God, you will find this action to be one of great strength and comfort. No, we cannot control others. We can control ourselves. We are responsible for our actions. God is responsible for the results, if you let Him in.

Lord, please forgive me for my refusal to forgive as I should. Help me, Lord, to recognize my inferiorities and hand those over to you for guidance. Amen.